I AM A SECRET (NOW) WARP

 I have always thought I was a warp.  I was a bad kid.  Seriously.  I have a superb memory and I remember waking up in the morning and figuring out a way to piss my mother off and how fast I could do it.  Who the heck does that at age five?  Me.  Warped I tell ya.

  A kindly neighbour took me aside one day when I was about seven or eight and told me I was ruining my brother and my sister.  She gave me a big lecture.  I already knew she didn't like me.  She was my sister's babysitter and she totally loved Kathy.  She made it pretty clear she wasn't too happy with me the odd day I was sick enough not to go to school and joined Kathy at her house.  I certainly didn't hold it against her.

Which brings me to a point.  Do adults think you aren't going to grow up and remember?  I totally remember the not nice things she did to me...clearly.  Fortunately for me I didn't give a hoot.  It didn't turn me in to a poor me victim....or a non warp for that matter.  I understood.  I knew what I was.  I did try now and then to be good like my awesome little sister but it never lasted more than ten minutes!  lol

I don't think my mom liked me much either.  She also did things that were not things I would ever under any circumstances do to one of my kids no matter how warped I think I may be.  Oh she loved me and in an odd way we were very close.  I just annoyed the hell out of her.  And she hated my hair!!!

  Mind you I kinda grew out of the warpness and at 17 she booted me out of the house to live as an au pair in Vancouver. All the way to Vancouver on the bus  I thought it over and made a solid decision to just, in the words of the psychiatrist Bob Newhart played on Carol Burnett, JUST STOP IT!!!  And basically I did.  My kids should be grateful!!!!  hahahaha!!!!

I need to live in a loud, say it like it is (in my mind) and not worry too much about filters community.  No hurting people's feelings though.  Or at least try hard not to.  It's not about that.  It's about not being a milquetoast but not feeling like the odd ugly duck out of water. Hahahaha!!!! Dream on.....I never ever feel like I fit in or belong.  I never have in my entire life except at home with my first babies or when I was at home with my Billy and second batch of kids plus a few others.  I loved it and was at ease and comfortable then.  And now the only three places I never leave feeling like I blew it again is my two daughters couches and my beloved recliner (unless there had been company).  Although the last couple times last year at my kid's places were difficult.  For the first time ever I wasn't comfortable in one of their homes and I left early.  And it was totally my own mouth that caused it.  I haven't regretted something that strongly in a very long time.  As my mother taught me, 'Once you say or do or think something you cannot unsay it, undo it or unthink it.  Control all three.'  Maybe the teaching didn't stick hard enough with me.

I hope this post doesn't come off as 'poor me'!  I am 73 years old and completely jiggy with my 'not belonging'.  It's just who I am and I tried for 72 years to change.  It didn't work!!!!  lol

TFL&TTYL

TEN DAYS!!! I READ BLOGS AND I HATE IT WHEN THEY DON'T POST FOR AGES...I HAVE TO KEEP CHECKING...MY APOLOGIES

 So unreliable.  Honestly I have a weak tiny excuse this time.  This household has actually been sick.  It has been a long time since the three of us got sick.  I almost forgot what being sick felt like and I almost panicked.   The worst symptom other than weakness and tired was my eyesight.  My eyes became wonky and glassy.  There were brown spots, tiny ones, wiping out the view in those spots.  What the hey!!??  Anywho I am completely back to normal this morning and so are the others.  Scary moment over.

I like to do a gratitude think every morning.  I used to aim for five but now I just aim for one super significant one.  I have so many that doing five is easy.  But to narrow it down to an important one is a little more of a thinker.

This morning I was doing my emails and I was reading one of my articles I get each day.  It was written by a minister, an Asian woman in her thirties.  She wrote about how often she has personal sessions with older people in her congregation who are troubled one way or another.  She wrote that she always starts with what is your biggest regret in life and what is your happiest memory.  

The regret was inevitably about their family.  Maybe wishing they had been closer, or their children were closer to each other or the dad wasn't an a-hole. (just kidding, it just seems a lot of family problems begin with an unbending unfeeling father)...really she didn't say that last one.

It got me to thinking about my regret and happy time.  My biggest regret was what I warp I was until I left home at 17.  I was NOT a nice or good kid.  I have written a post about that and I will post it next post.  Accountability!

When the ladies in the congregation said that the happiest times were when they had young kids at home, I had a bolt of realization.  The pastor asked how that could be? Between work, household, kids (and a-hole dad) wasn't it a very stressful time?  And they always answered that being surrounded by their kids in their home at the end of the day was the best memory possible.

And that is when it hit me that I was the luckiest person ever.  I DID IT TWICE!!!!!!!!!!!!  I had my first kids in the early 70's and  consciously loved every single minute of it.  Every single minute.  Part of that could be I was a single mom until those ones were tweeners.  Single.  And the second time was in the late eighties and early 90's.  Now married.  And I loved every moment.  There was a period there where we were blending two families and I will be honest...it wasn't easy...but I still loved it.

Now I have to say here my rather jaded opinion of fathers is absolutely not based on my dad or my Billyboy.  It is based on the news, neighbours, friends, endless information about the latest crime against women and children by dads.  Men are a problem on this earth.

We were blessed with an amazing loving patient father.  Until I grew up I thought all fathers were like him.  I was shocked when I found out that wasn't the case.  And I will admit there were times that were more difficult due to Bill.  But I loved him and to some extent I ruled him and he was open to change because he didn't want to lose me.  We loved each other to pieces.

So my gratitude was threefold....experiencing family life twice, having an amazing loving father and ending up with the love of my life.  What more could one want I ask.

Gotta bounce, I have one terrible kitchen to clean.

TTYL&TFL

FANTASTIC TIME WITH K&K AND A SURPRISE VISIT OUT

 In the last post I mentioned a horrible experience with someone.  Now, I do not write negative things about people I know unless I am super angry, which is rare, or if I don't have their permission.  I do not have this person's permission.  I thought I would but upon asking the answer was no.  So my apologies.  If I am speaking with you on the phone at some time and you HAVE to know I will happily fill you in.  I just can't put it out to the general public.  My apologies.

On Sunday after K&K left Monte and I drove to Campbell River.  We had a mini family reunion up there.  Emily and Baby Gordon, K&K, Stan and Antonia were there.  What a lovely time it was.  Stan was looking good!  Unfortunately we couldn't hug the guy.  He is battling cancer at the moment and is going through a kind of radio active treatment and we couldn't be too close to him.  Soon I am going up again.  Just Monte and I.  I will be able to hug him then.  We had such a wonderful afternoon with them all.  Gordon is growing like a weed and I think he is the happiest baby I have ever seen!!!

They have the most beautiful house.  Their back yard was magnificent.  She is a stellar gardener.  They have a beautiful deck with a little gazebo on it that they have turned into an artists studio.  It was really truly stunning.

And now back to reality.  I have made another two garbage bags of clothes to donate.  Sigh.  And there is still another mountain of clothes to go through.  What the hell was I thinking?!!  You know, every week I put on a clean old shirt and shorts.  And I wear them for a week.  I just don't need more than four shirts, two bottoms, undies and one dressier outfit.  So why the eff do I have bags and bags and Rubbermaids full of stupid clothes I will never wear?

Well thats it for this post.  Sorry about the cryptic horrible story that couldn't get told. I promise you I did not do that on purpose.  I am kind of embarrassed.  I really thought I could tell it.

 I am now about to attempt to make an interesting menu for diabetic renal low sodium peeps.  (massive shovel list). AI helps a lot but she isn't always right.  (another big shovel list).  My saddest discovery is I can't eat liver pate.  I LOVE that stuff but it has over the daily allowance of sodium in two tablespoons.  Wahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

TFL&TTYL

PICTURES

THERE WE ALL ARE

SEE?  THE HAPPIEST BABY ON THE PLANET

MY SEVEN FOOT COUCH...NOT LONG ENOUGH

KE

 

WONDERFUL FAMILY VISITS AND ONE HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE

 The visit with Kevin and Tandy and Elise was so good.  It always is.  They are good visitoring visitors.  I did way too much talking of course, always do.  Sigh.  But it was so awesome to see them.

They got here about one and we just sat in the living room and talked.  They caught me up on where the kids are at right now and where they are at with their various issues and adventures.

Soon we were getting hungry.  So I called the Indian restaurant and got a very new to Canada little person.  She had a very strong accent but I was able to understand most of what she said.  Our order was quite complicated.  There were fourteen dishes and condiments, half of them of them spicy and the same seven not spicy.  And on top of that all of them vegan.  Except the fifteenth....lamb korma for Monte.  There were tons left over and I sent the whole lot with them.  They had a huge cooler with ice and their tent trailer has a fridge in it.  I was so happy they took it all!!!

Kathy and Kerry arrived a couple of days later and I cooked a five pound prime rib.  Delicious dinner!!!  The next day we headed out late morning for Bamfield.  What an awesome day that was!!!  Parts of it were a little tough.  I so associate Bill with Bamfield.  We started going there in 1988 until we sold it around 2005.  And we really did go there.  In fact we bought a little trailer and parked it on someone's property and spent summers there.  Eventually we bought a mobile home, a pretty wrecked one full of rats but it was bigger and accommodated visiting rellies!!!

We lived in it (it's gone now) while we built the big log house.  April was five when we move into it.  And of course we drove down there and no one was home so we did a little crawling around to have a look at our beloved house.  It was so weird I almost didn't enjoy it.  Before all that we visited Pachena Bay.  The most amazing place on earth in my opinion!  Two kilometres of white sand in a protected bay.  There could be five thousand people on that beach and it would still feel empty.  It hosts the start of the West Coast Trail.

The next day we went to the Historical site of the McLain Mill on the edge of town.  It is quite the place.  So peaceful and interesting.  It was a perfect visit.  Pics in the next post, maybe. (shovel list)   They left at the end of that mill visit to head down to Cobble Hill to visit a brother of Kerry's.  We had such a lovely visit.

So this has become quite long so I will mention the horrible thing next post.  I have to be delicate about what I say but it will help people understand, if they give a hoot, a little more about someone near and dear.  I apologize for being so cryptic but I need to think about it a little more.  Fortunately the one I will write about never reads this.

Well tomorrow will be another stellar day.  We are heading up to Campbell river to visit my brother.  Emily and new baby will be there and so will K&K.  It will be a chance for us three kids to get an updated picture of the three of us.  Monte and I don't plan to stay for supper.  That is a lot for my brother's wife and she isn't young anymore. Plus Monte can only hold it all in for two hours max.

So thats it for today.  I shall check in a wee bit sooner next post.      TFL&TTYL

 

WELL IT IS 12:30 PM AND THE HOUSE IS CLEAN, BROWNIES BAKED AND KEVEN ET AL ARRIVE IN HALF AN HOUR.

I just hope that they have eaten their lunch.  I have not one thing in this house that is vegan...other than a pan of brownies.  Speaking of which I asked my bff AI what do I replace eggs with in baking.  And she told me to use one quarter cup of unsweetened applesauce per one egg.  So seeing as how these had to be vegan I did just that.  And guess what?  They turned out beautifully!!!!

I have the table set, for three days now.  There probably is dust on the dishes.  But as I have said before if you get it set early nobody dares put stuff on it.  And so that was one thing I didn't have to do today or yesterday.

The last time they were here Tandy cleaned my whole house.  I am pretty sure she was doing me a huge favour but it also it crossed my mind she felt it wasn't clean enough to sleep and eat in.  I do not want my guest, especially special ones feeling like they need to clean my house.  If I can't keep up with my house I might as well tromp over that rainbow bridge that is getting brighter all the time, right now.

I must say though as I am packing garbage bags up and out onto the deck to wait for Shane's next dump run, the house is getting a wee smidge better and easier to keep up with.  There is still a long long way to go.  Next on the list is all my clothes.  I haven't culled yet.  But its all laundered and in three Rubbermaids and two laundry baskets waiting to be decided upon...fold and put away or garbage bag for the thrift shop.

I think the next cleanout has to be the laundry room.  OMO!!! (that is Oh My Ohm) you should see it.  There is a small buffet, giant organ, many many Rubbermaids of stuff, bags of stuff, two whole walls of cupboards full of stuff.  It never freaking ends.  That room should be called I WILL DECIDE LATER!  And now it is full of decisions.  I know somewhere in there is and unopened box with a Tiffany lamp in it that I bought six years ago from Overstock.  Never opened it.  Isn't that what hoarders do?  I would like to say I am ashamed but I am not really.  When you think of it three people with homes full of stuff moved into this little house.  And we all brought our stuff with us.  Lots of stuff.

Well I am not making dinner this time.  I can if there is a second person to entertain guests whilst I am in the kitchen cooking.  Monte doesn't talk.  He feels that 99% of what people talk about is not necessary and not relevant.  He isn't into small talk and niceties.  I would like to blame his autism but I don't think thats it.  Right now his bipolar is more prevalent...snarky might be the word.  It's a down time.  The up time is scary so I am okay with cranky.

That being the case I am ordering Indian food.  They are masters at making their dishes vegan so that will be easy.  We will have a nice big feed and brownies for dessert.

Now when Kathy comes I am giving her the choice of a prime rib roast I have in the freezer or vacuum packed salmon.  I shall wait for her response and do the one she likes best.  Or both...surf and turf!  Mmmmmm....rich brown gravy all over my miso glazed salmon.  

Well thats it for today.  They aren't here yet but I will do one more check on the house and go hide the vacuum cleaner!!!!  Pics tomorrow by themselves in their own post.  TTYL & TFL

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MR. MAM

 We had a fantastic day today on several fronts.  For Monte's birthday the three of us went to Coombs and we had a late afternoon birthday meal at Cuckoos..a very sophisticated Italian restaurant in the most beautiful setting.  This restaurant is one of Monte's favourites.

We had an incredible meal.  Appetizers, artisan bread, caesars margaritas special coffees and magnificent entrees of pasta and seafood and pepperonchini and garlic noodles and on and on.  And of course tiramisu for dessert...so amazing.  Ange and I sang happy birthday to Monte with no candles!

But before we left town to do all that we did something the three of us love to pieces.  We stopped at DOLLARAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  God, that store just evokes joy and happiness in our veins.

  Funky cheap dishes, all kinds of impossible craft projects, a wall of dog and cat stuff, all kinds of stuff when you see it you smack your head and go sh*t!!!  I should have bought that here and not Canadian tire for ten times more, (shovel list), a looooong aisle of candy, every type in the world and some real weird ones to try,  cheap bread and wraps, wrapping paper and gift bags galore and best of all?  Every type of Betty Crocker stuff....from really good can openers to brownie mix.  Oh! and endless plastic containers of every type in the world.  I mean what more could one want?  All three of us came out of there semi loaded with useless but lovable stuff.

I hate to say it but after we ate we went into that amazing insanely expensive market where the goats are on the roof.  Holy jeez!!!  They stock the most unusual plethora of every condiment in world in there.

One thing I found and am overly excited about is a diet bbq sauce.  I have been chasing a sugar free thick delicious bbq sauce for years.  I was beginning to think it would never happen.  And then there it was...right there on the bbq sauce shelf. A G. Hughs bbq sauce, Carolina style...what ever that is.  I like that brand of dressings and have been looking for the bbq sauce and there it was!!!  I snatched it up and the minute we got home I opened it and tasted and,,,,yes!!! delicious and thick and sweet and spicy!!!  Today I bought three more.  I don't trust that it won't sell out!!

So the next day I threw a raw picnic roast in the slow cooker and at the end of eight hours shredded and added that elixir and for the very first time I got to eat pulled pork...and no blood sugar spike.  And you would never know it was zero carb and 5 calories per two tablespoons.  (rainbow shovel)

Well the next couple of weeks are going to be peopley!!  I am so happy.  Kevin and family on the 3rd for dinner and Kathy and Kerry for the 7th to the 9th.  I am so happy.  I get to show off my new guest room!!!  And I love having rellies visit.  It's pretty special as it doesn't happen very often!

That is it for this fun happy day.  And Monte even went out with a friend tonight for tacos somewhere.  A very good thing.  TTYL&TFL

A QUICK STOP ON THE WAY HOME.  LOON LAKE JUST OUTSIDE TOWN WHERE THERE IS A MAGNIFICENT CAMPGROUND

I LOVE THIS PIC.  MONTE SITTING PEACEFULLY JUST OUTSIDE WAITING FOR US LADIES MAKING A QUICK PIT STOP

MY HAPPY BIRTHDAY KID. 36 YRS OLD