'We have become so terrified of burdening people with our belongings that some folks are erasing themselves.'

One of the articles I read led with this line.  It rang a pretty big bell in my mostly empty head.

I was looking over my way overcrowded and over stocked kitchen stuff.  I don't need or ever again going to use ninety percent of it.  But I love every single piece dearly.  I have not contributed much of anything of value in this life except four amazing kids, some super step kids, an inside out knowledge of mortgages as an investment tool and the occasional piece on the piano that is pleasing.  That doesn't leave much of a legacy. 

 As a result my fave physical activity, cooking, became my chosen sport.  And there lies the rub. I love every single piece of equipment I own and trying to get rid of it is making me pretty unhappy. 

 Those pieces are my true identity.  I love love love to cook.  But now I am basically only cooking for myself and sometimes the three of us.  I get company to cook for maybe once or twice a year...not enough of an excuse to hang on to anything but the smallest frying pan and smallest pot I own.  I finally put together a big big box of redundant kitchen accoutrement.  And there it sits out on the deck.  It will probably be there when I die.

I am still having trouble getting rid of my massive stack of old old raggedy shirts too.  My heart freezes as soon as I pick up a shirt in my right hand and hold an open garbage bag in the left.  These shirts are not even good enough to donate.  I sure as heck should not be wearing them.

Okay I can't do this post anymore.  There are two things totally distracting me.

One...there is a constant  LOUD massive amount of geese flying over our little town, honking loudly.  Thousands upon thousands.  Winter is definitely coming.  They are reminding me that this was the fastest summer I have ever experienced.  Even way up north where I grew up the summers seemed longer.

The other thing is what is on my ever running little bedroom tv.  I am on my bed writing here and sipping coffee.  The tv is on quietly.  I usually can totally ignore it but this time it keeps distracting me.

The program that is on is Dr. G...a medical examiner that explains what she is doing  as she performs autopsies.  Massively interesting.  But what is distracting me this morning is the realization that there are so freaking many ways to die!!!!  How the hell do we manage to get old?  Holy Doodle!!!  It is a really interesting show which I have watched many times over the years.  But this morning it is getting into my head.  Brain atrophy, fistula infection, suicide by weird methods, dementia wandering etc....

I shall distract myself thinking about the company we are having tonight for dinner.  Monte won't come but that friend of Ange's is.  I have mentioned her before.  I really like her, although they talk about cats.  A lot.  Me...I just talk a lot.

Dinner tonight is chicken and stuffing.  I make stuffing in the roasting pan and cover it with tin foil and pack it down.  I then poke holes in the foil.  On top I place two plump organic perfect halal (meaning killed nicely, if there is such a thing) chickens.  No I don't.  They are cheap Walmart chickens that are possibly missing a wing due to disease.  Cheap chickens.   Then roast them. The drippings drip down into the stuffing under the tin foil.

Ange is roasting wee taters and I am making Luz's pea pods.  Luz was our Filipino nanny for a few years and she lifted our culinary needs out of the protein starch and veg on repeat to lovely more exotic meals.  In a wok you firstly fry chopped onions and garlic then add the peas and pea pods.  When cooked but still a bit crunchy they are done.  Drizzle with a tad of sesame oil.  Yummy!!

Dessert is haagen daaz caramel cone explosion and two bite brownies.  I did that with K&K and it was a hit.

So that is it for today.  The housekeeper and lawn guy were here yesterday so the house and yard are looking spiffy!!!! As good as it gets around here.  TTYL&TFL

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I READ A LINE THAT RESONATED A LOT

 AGING GRACEFULLY IS HOW YOU DISAPPEAR.

I have been thinking for the last while how invisible you become the moment you aren't worth chasing for sex, information or amusement anymore.  How many grammas, women who led lively talky busy lives, sit on the end of the couch, nodding and vacantly smiling at family gatherings.  Occasionally a younger member will talk briefly to them in patronizing tones, patting them on the hand.

But occasionally an elderly gramma type comes along who is somewhat brazen, outspoken, opinionated, sarcastic, doesn't give a crap what people think and even somewhat annoying.  Well guess what?  She ain't invisible.  She is the kind of woman that after she goes to bed first, (after all she is old) everyone talks about her, calls her a 'broad', is even maybe somewhat amused but most of all she isn't invisible.  So there!!!!  Hahahahaha!!!!

If only I was mayor of this crap hole for a year.  We have a local fb page called 'the Chatterbox'.  At least fifty percent of the posters on it are neanderthal units, as my mother would call them, with iq's lower than their shoe size and the worst grammar humanly possible.  And they bitch and moan about everything possible.  It amazes me how they can take a perfectly fine thing and turn it into a great big ugly accusing whine.

At the end of the year, as mayor, I would see to it that every crosswalk was rainbow coloured, every busy intersection was turned into a round about, every tourist attraction improvement would be even more improved, and we would have a clinic that was open all day.  Can you guess what the brunckles complain about the most?  A beautiful pride parade that was planned got scuppered at the last moment due to the incredibly terrible comments by the lowest common denominators in this town. The town leaders were very concerned about the safety of the participants. Canceling was probably a smart move on their part.  But all the old men with tattoos and goatees and short sleeved black t-shirts get their classic car parade and their motorcycle parade and their xmas lit big truck parade and their fishing derby parade.  Dicks!!!!

Well enough complaining for one post.  Sorry bout that.  I had to get it off my now undesirable chest.  Okay I am sitting in my bed drinking yesterday's cold coffee chuckling to myself.  I am a loser. hahaha. TTYL&TFL

P.S.:  I am not going to Vancouver.  There is a possibility that the Snurzins (Kevin and Tandy) will be evacuated and they will be coming here if that is the case.  And I get the feeling that April is okay with me not being there.  She wouldn't be able to entertain me and knowing her she would feel bad.  So we shall go over at the end of August for the PNE. 

I AM PROLLY GOING TO LOSE SOME READERS WITH THIS ONE

 I will make a declaration first to expose a bias for my opinion on what I am going to write about.  And secondly to get it out of my head.  It involves, probably a very unpopular, opinion and what some, including myself, will call this opinion judgy.

I think parents of all ages of children should not have alcohol or dope in their homes.  It's funny if I had said cocaine or heroin people would probably totally agree with me.  But from my tiny little biased world, in other words because I don't drink it's easy for me to say, what I see is the gateway to bad shit is either alcohol or weed or both.  But especially alcohol.  But for some reason adults don't see alcohol bad enough to keep it out of their kids lives like they do coke or heroin.

Mom and Dad get home from a long day of work and pop the top off a bottle of beer or haul out the wine glass and pour themself a 'well deserved' relaxing drink before dinner.  What the heck do you think your kid learns from this?  Lots of kids are able to understand and exercise restraint....but lots can't when they are still very young out partying with friends.

I think it is the ultimate double standard.  Do as I say not as I do.  Why does that not apply to especially alcohol?  We don't do fun drugs in front of our kids so why do we relax drink?

What brought this to my attention is Roku.  I have watched a plethora of tv shows that I normally wouldn't have with regular tv.  And I noticed that in almost every show, especially the British ones, they show the adults coming home from work, grabbing that beer or wine bottle and guzzling it back.  Or they use the excuse that it's the week end, like week end drinking is okey dokey okay.

Have I lost you yet?  My opinion does NOT matter to anyone but me.  If I see you drinking every day after work it won't change my opinion of you! lol!!!  It is just an amateur's opinion.  God knows I may never have drunk in front of my kids but I sure as hell smoked so who the heckadoodle am I to talk!!!!??

Did you know that extra large glad garbage bags full to the tits sitting on your oversized too big deck propagate?  When rolly bin is full I put the occasional bag out on the deck.  I am decluttering so there are extra ones and no way can they all fit in the bins.  So out to the deck they go.  Unfortunately sometimes kitchen ones get out there too.  

Yesterday I took the time to arrange someone to take them to the dump.  In preparation I went out to organize them and get them down to the driveway ready for Jonathon to pick up.

Well, what I thought had been the neighbourhood nuisance cats tearing little holes in the sides of the bags, I was wrong.  Boy was I wrong!!!

I lifted the first bag and between the two bags was about ten pounds of rat shit!!!! So now as I am lifting the bags one by one and putting them in a new bag I was on the extreme lookout for abandon ship rats.  First though I got the broom and beat the crap out of the bags to scare any of those critters out the holes.  I think if one did come out, and none did, I would not be here writing this post today.  I don't think I am that far off heart attacks.

Well now I have exposed my not so nice side.  I have strong judgy views and I have rats.  Sigh.  (shovel list).

 Reminds me of a time back when Aryn was a baby.  For some ridiculous reason I decided to get cloth diaper delivery.  They came with a diaper pail that they would pick up when they delivered the new batch every week.  It was pick up day so I took the lid off the pail to check to make sure Kevin, who was two, hadn't put the cat or toys or something foreign in it.  It was crawling with maggots.  I immediately started crying.  I felt like the worst losing est mother ever.  I cancelled the service immediately.  Plus I gathered up about a month's worth of unused clean diapers.  For three month olds they give you ten diapers per day.  I changed my babies three times a day if they were lucky.  That was like 680 diapers.  I know this because they count them and if they are short any you get billed a ridonculous amount of money for them.

Anywhooo I digress.  Gotta bounce...I am making pulled pork today and I have a dirty kitchen and a broken sink tap.  I love challenges.  (no I don't. shovel list). TFL&TTYL

WELL SLAP ME UPSIDE THE HEAD

I need a thump on the head.  You can probably guess why if you read my last post.  Ai is great for INFORMAL information.  When I did a deep dive into the sodium potassium phosphate thing I learned one heck of a lot...with the help with ai.  I also did my own googling and confirmed a lot of what ai had gathered.   My mistake clearly was following the very extreme difficult way of eating to a tee. And I will say ai gave me plenty of admonitions to get doctor approval.  Which of course living in this stupid province we can't get very easily.  And by the time I was in trouble the only way I could get medical help was at the emergency at our local peewee hospital.  Which btw, is famous for booting really sick people out of there to go to the clinic and not bother them.  I mean it.  I have seen half dead people sitting in the long line of chairs in the hallway at that one and only clinic.

So within one week of extremely low potassium and phos my legs quit working.  It was the creepiest scariest feeling.  For three or four days I kept it up and kept trying.  For sure my feet and legs got nice and skinny but....I can do that just cutting the salt.  I finally couldn't stand it...no pun intended.  And basically I said a big F*CK IT in my head (actually I think I yelled it) and still being mindful of carbs I dove into a potassium orgy.  Over the next few days I ate eight bananas and am going to eat potatoes and tomatoes.  Just til my legs come back because thats a lot of carbs.

But it wasn't until this morning I hopped out of my chair where I had spent the night and was dashing to the loo when I belatedly noticed my legs were back to normal!!!!  It took that long!!!  My kidneys are just going to have to cope with the two evil p's. (shovel list, no, back hoe list).  I won't be doing that again until I know I won't be outliving my kidneys for heaven's sake.

I'm going to take a page out of my dad's life rules.  He was diagnosed with heart issues and told to knock off fats etc.  the usual doctor crap.  He decided he may cut back on the butter but be damned if he was going to stop eating his bacon and eggs and spuds for breakfast.  You gotta enjoy your life.  Unfortunately he had a massive heart attack a little while later and died.  He was 57. He died a happy man.  I am going to emulate him.  I am almost 74, not scared of dying and I think given how fast my feet got skinny when I quit sodium, my kidneys are still working.

I am heading to North Van for a few days on the 16th.  Monte is taking me and he will stay in a hotel for three nights then bring me home.  April has her final operation and she is thinking it will be fairly easy...in and out possibly the same day.  Myles, bless his heart, is taking three days off too so she will have lots of help.  Then I think we are planning to head back over near the end of the month for the PNE.  I haven't been to the PNE in forever.  I want to go on the scrambler one more time.  I want Kathy to come and join me and sit on the inside!!!!  hahahaha!!!!

Well I just cleaned the kitchen...first in two weeks or more.  Whew!!! It needed it!!!  I kind of like it when it's really bad.  I love the processing, organizing the work, and getting it shiny.  And then that moment when I am done and I turn around in the doorway as I am leaving the kitchen and take a satisfied look at the clean counters and organized garbage and the hum of the dishwasher.  My life has become very small. I am happy til I hear Mr. Man go in there and cupboard doors squeak open but can't hear them close, hear things clunking on the stove, counters and in the sink.  And this is a guy that has pretty much never put anything in the garbage....ever.  But he is the nicest guy you'd want to meet so thats what counts.

Thats it for today.  I am a happy relieved and smarter camper.  TTYL&TFL

I NEED ADVICE

 I am in hell.  This is another very self oriented post.  Sorry but I am asking any of you with health knowledge for advice.  Some of you have helped me in the past.  My email is hp1104@gmail.com.  I will so welcome anything anyone has to offer.

I have, as of two years ago, been diagnosed with stage 3 ckd, chronic kidney disease.  I didn't realize how serious that can turn into if you don't do something about it.  I saw a doctor in Kamloops who knew about it and when I asked him what I should do he laughed and said drink lots of water this summer and waved it off.  Now here we are seven years later and I need to start protecting my poor kidneys.

Upon some intense research and deep diving I see I have to completely change my way of eating...again.  To get the kind of food recommendations I have to say I am vegetarian, otherwise I get a thousand recipes that involve chicken.  I hate chicken.  Makes me sick.  I can't eat beef, lamb or lots of pork, too much phosphorous or potassium.  It's just easier to say I am vegetarian.  And I am a type 2 diabetic.  So I am sticking religiously to a low carb, zero sodium, low phosphate, low potassium, no meat diet.  Its awful.  If I eat one more pepper, celery, broccoli or cauliflower I am going to hurl.  What's happening is I am not hungry and I can't eat.  I keep a fat mars bar close by, check my blood four times a day and take one measly bite of the bar if my numbers go below 3.5.

I know that isn't right.  Once in a while I will eat some tofu in a low carb wrap.  Or lettuce chopped up with little chunks of cream cheese in it.  I make soups with zero salt chicken broth and big chunks of vegetables but it's so gross and bland.  I'd rather just not eat.

But here's the worrisome part.  My legs have gone strange, they tingle and are numb in places and I lose my balance.  My feet are super skinny now...sans salt helps that but I don't understand why my legs are not functioning.  And my muscles are fatigued and I just don't feel well.  It's going on two weeks now.

I need to see a doctor but  I don't think I can handle three hours sitting in one of the plastic chairs for fifteen people.  I can hardly sit in my recliner for very long.  I did get hold of a virtual doctor and he is sending me a proper lab req to get that checked out.  So when this weekend is over I will make an appointment at life labs and then go see the doc.  It's possible I am just sick.  It's been so long since I was sick I have forgotten what it's like.  Also my sister mentioned seeing a proper dietitian at the hospital.  I shall be phoning them as soon as this week end is done.  This town shuts down when there isn't a holiday never mind a long weekend due to one.

Well enough of that.  I drag my kitchen chair around with me and liberally use it.  Right now I am cleaning my bedroom out.  I have a deadline...Aug. 13.  I have a recliner being delivered that day.  It will be replacing the twin bed I have used for the last ten years.  I am retiring it and switching to a comfy recliner.  I don't hurt in them.  My hands and arms don't go to sleep in them either.  I can't wait!!!  I bought a cheapo from Walmart.  I figure I don't really want an expensive chair that will outlive me!

So thats it for today.  It's getting late and I need to cheque my blood and try to get some sleep.  

TTYL&TFL

I AM A SECRET (NOW) WARP

 I have always thought I was a warp.  I was a bad kid.  Seriously.  I have a superb memory and I remember waking up in the morning and figuring out a way to piss my mother off and how fast I could do it.  Who the heck does that at age five?  Me.  Warped I tell ya.

  A kindly neighbour took me aside one day when I was about seven or eight and told me I was ruining my brother and my sister.  She gave me a big lecture.  I already knew she didn't like me.  She was my sister's babysitter and she totally loved Kathy.  She made it pretty clear she wasn't too happy with me the odd day I was sick enough not to go to school and joined Kathy at her house.  I certainly didn't hold it against her.

Which brings me to a point.  Do adults think you aren't going to grow up and remember?  I totally remember the not nice things she did to me...clearly.  Fortunately for me I didn't give a hoot.  It didn't turn me in to a poor me victim....or a non warp for that matter.  I understood.  I knew what I was.  I did try now and then to be good like my awesome little sister but it never lasted more than ten minutes!  lol

I don't think my mom liked me much either.  She also did things that were not things I would ever under any circumstances do to one of my kids no matter how warped I think I may be.  Oh she loved me and in an odd way we were very close.  I just annoyed the hell out of her.  And she hated my hair!!!

  Mind you I kinda grew out of the warpness and at 17 she booted me out of the house to live as an au pair in Vancouver. All the way to Vancouver on the bus  I thought it over and made a solid decision to just, in the words of the psychiatrist Bob Newhart played on Carol Burnett, JUST STOP IT!!!  And basically I did.  My kids should be grateful!!!!  hahahaha!!!!

I need to live in a loud, say it like it is (in my mind) and not worry too much about filters community.  No hurting people's feelings though.  Or at least try hard not to.  It's not about that.  It's about not being a milquetoast but not feeling like the odd ugly duck out of water. Hahahaha!!!! Dream on.....I never ever feel like I fit in or belong.  I never have in my entire life except at home with my first babies or when I was at home with my Billy and second batch of kids plus a few others.  I loved it and was at ease and comfortable then.  And now the only three places I never leave feeling like I blew it again is my two daughters couches and my beloved recliner (unless there had been company).  Although the last couple times last year at my kid's places were difficult.  For the first time ever I wasn't comfortable in one of their homes and I left early.  And it was totally my own mouth that caused it.  I haven't regretted something that strongly in a very long time.  As my mother taught me, 'Once you say or do or think something you cannot unsay it, undo it or unthink it.  Control all three.'  Maybe the teaching didn't stick hard enough with me.

I hope this post doesn't come off as 'poor me'!  I am 73 years old and completely jiggy with my 'not belonging'.  It's just who I am and I tried for 72 years to change.  It didn't work!!!!  lol

TFL&TTYL

TEN DAYS!!! I READ BLOGS AND I HATE IT WHEN THEY DON'T POST FOR AGES...I HAVE TO KEEP CHECKING...MY APOLOGIES

 So unreliable.  Honestly I have a weak tiny excuse this time.  This household has actually been sick.  It has been a long time since the three of us got sick.  I almost forgot what being sick felt like and I almost panicked.   The worst symptom other than weakness and tired was my eyesight.  My eyes became wonky and glassy.  There were brown spots, tiny ones, wiping out the view in those spots.  What the hey!!??  Anywho I am completely back to normal this morning and so are the others.  Scary moment over.

I like to do a gratitude think every morning.  I used to aim for five but now I just aim for one super significant one.  I have so many that doing five is easy.  But to narrow it down to an important one is a little more of a thinker.

This morning I was doing my emails and I was reading one of my articles I get each day.  It was written by a minister, an Asian woman in her thirties.  She wrote about how often she has personal sessions with older people in her congregation who are troubled one way or another.  She wrote that she always starts with what is your biggest regret in life and what is your happiest memory.  

The regret was inevitably about their family.  Maybe wishing they had been closer, or their children were closer to each other or the dad wasn't an a-hole. (just kidding, it just seems a lot of family problems begin with an unbending unfeeling father)...really she didn't say that last one.

It got me to thinking about my regret and happy time.  My biggest regret was what I warp I was until I left home at 17.  I was NOT a nice or good kid.  I have written a post about that and I will post it next post.  Accountability!

When the ladies in the congregation said that the happiest times were when they had young kids at home, I had a bolt of realization.  The pastor asked how that could be? Between work, household, kids (and a-hole dad) wasn't it a very stressful time?  And they always answered that being surrounded by their kids in their home at the end of the day was the best memory possible.

And that is when it hit me that I was the luckiest person ever.  I DID IT TWICE!!!!!!!!!!!!  I had my first kids in the early 70's and  consciously loved every single minute of it.  Every single minute.  Part of that could be I was a single mom until those ones were tweeners.  Single.  And the second time was in the late eighties and early 90's.  Now married.  And I loved every moment.  There was a period there where we were blending two families and I will be honest...it wasn't easy...but I still loved it.

Now I have to say here my rather jaded opinion of fathers is absolutely not based on my dad or my Billyboy.  It is based on the news, neighbours, friends, endless information about the latest crime against women and children by dads.  Men are a problem on this earth.

We were blessed with an amazing loving patient father.  Until I grew up I thought all fathers were like him.  I was shocked when I found out that wasn't the case.  And I will admit there were times that were more difficult due to Bill.  But I loved him and to some extent I ruled him and he was open to change because he didn't want to lose me.  We loved each other to pieces.

So my gratitude was threefold....experiencing family life twice, having an amazing loving father and ending up with the love of my life.  What more could one want I ask.

Gotta bounce, I have one terrible kitchen to clean.

TTYL&TFL