Beauty....the Great Struggle

I have two weddings coming up next year. One involves my very bestest friend ever and the other my wonderful amazing sister. These two women are intelligent, interesting, active, wise and............skinny. Oh, I can hear them now, "no I'm not. I still have five pounds to lose." " No I'm not. I still have a tummy roll when I sit down." Ok ladies. Try having 140 pounds to lose and a tummy roll that stops my heart when I bend over. You are skinny, by my standards and pretty much everyone elses' too.

I know this may sound really high school, but they are going to look smokin' hot at the weddings. And I am not. If I am sounding like a whiny little victim, its because for the next few minutes I AM going to be a whiny little victim!!! So EXCUSE me for a moment while I VENT!!

I have attempted to buy dresses in the past, at least my fat past, not my way back skinny past. And as any realistic large lady will tell you, we just don't do dresses well. No matter what the colour, pattern, no pattern, long, short, sleeves, no sleeves....you still end up looking like a walking table cloth...and not a pretty one. And the dresses available to us, especially here in Canada, are disgraceful ugly unwearable pieces of crap.

A few years ago I had an event to attend, a dressy one. Of course, I didn't have anything to wear. A dress was the only option. I made the unwise decision to go to Walmart first. My younger daughters had shopped there recently and had purchased really pretty colourful sundresses. Now I know that the fat lady designers do not do pretty or colourful but what the heck!! I decided to at least take a look. After spending a few minutes hunting up and down the fat lady section, I discovered they only had one rack of dresses and only one design. So I pull out the 3X hold it up and DEAR JESUS!!!! It was UGLY. Insultingly fugly!! It had a navy blue (not chic black) background, elastic waist, short sleeves with a weird sporadic pattern in white that got closer and closer together as it descended, and ended up in a row of pineapples at the bottom. Pineapples. Why? I was tempted to pay the 25 bucks to buy it, put it on on the night of the event and see if anyone else shared my view of this piece of crap. But I was afraid they would tell me I looked nice.

I have tried many dresses over the years and no matter what type or colour, I end up looking like a washer woman. This is the one style of garment that makes my ass look big...the only part of me that isn't really really big. So I decide to try black dress pants with a pretty sparkly top. But the only pants I can find in these flipping stores are stovepipe wide at the top and at the bottom. And when I pull them up so the crotch is at...well ummmm...my crotch, the waist is literally under my armpits. And I just don't need the waistband of my pants fighting my bra for space. So, the only option left is a pretty broomstick skirt with a tasteful tank top and jacket. But.....no matter how big or small or short or long, the hem of the skirt hikes way up at the back and way down at the front. So, twisting around in front of the floor length mirror i adjust the waist band up down over around until the hem is all even. But now the waist band is under my fat roll in front, in my right armpit, halfway down my bum...and within ten steps, it has all snapped back and its hiked way up in back and falling down in front. So no skirt.

What I really need and want is a spectacular long gown that is so amazing that no one will notice me and my hugeness. So....I had a fantastic idea. TRANNY DRESSES!!! Transvestites wear fabulous glamourous gowns and they are big people. A tranny dress would fit me AND be so spectacular one wouldn't notice grande moi!! In fact I know where a tranny store is right down town on east Hastings! Yes. I looked up some samples online and this site http://www.newyorkdress.com/Prom_Dresses.html was recommended on a tranny site because the gowns are fabulous and come in large sizes. Yipppppeeee!!! Problem solved and I will try my very best to not tell anyone that I am wearing a tranny dress...but I can't promise.