SCARED

I don't like being scared.  You know that sick feeling you get in your stomach.  The last time I felt this way was when I went in for the ultrasound after my operation...looking to see if the colon cancer had spread to other areas.  You just kind of hold your breath and hope for the best.  And you feel helpless...there isn't a thing you can do about it.

Now I am feeling that way again.  I have a mammogram coming up on the 18th.  But this time I  really do have to come out okay on the other side.  I am not sure how I would swing those appointments with moving.  Plus I don't have a doctor which complicates things apparently.  

My darling Mother, bless her, had the philosophy that one just shouldn't worry until you know 100% that there is something to worry about.  And she was tough enough to practice that particular bit of advice.  At least that is what she portrayed.  She was a very strong lady in most aspects.

So now I am trying really hard to emulate her. But it ain't easy.  I will be so glad when it's done.  I don't feel like there is anything wrong...both instinctually and physically so everything should be okay.

And I am busy busy busy, keeping my brain off of it to some extent.  Wed. morning at 9:30 the photographer comes to film my place for listing.  And I really didn't think my house needed a whole lot done.  WRONG!  As I go along, more and more things raise their ugly head.  I just don't understand why I wait until I am selling to get the place in order.  Its such a good feeling when it's done.

I already have a giant huge industrial garbage bag full to the very top with clothes to donate.  And I have a giant box full of bedding to give away.  After three moves in the last four years, you would seriously think I wouldn't have anything left to get rid of.  I think that I will probably get a shit ton more out of the basement today.

Anne is coming over today.  Thank God!!!  She is such an amazing friend.  We are going to do the downstairs.  There is lots of laundry to do and organizing the place.  It isn't too bad...I say....but I am seeing that THAT isn't the case once you get to work.  But downstairs is where boxes are going to be stored til I move so I am not too concerned about down there.  Tomorrow I am doing all the final stuff....making the beds perfect, the main floor which actually isn't too bad and the outside.  Sweeping leaves etc....

I am not sure what I will do after the mammogram on Thursday.  The house will be as clean as possible, no appointments for anything, nothing to do, it will make me nervous!

Tonight Emily is giving a soiree to people at Kathy's place.  She is an undertaker and she is going to educate us about funerals etc...and be free to answer our questions.  I think this is going to be an extremely interesting evening.  I am really looking forward to it!

Well I shall be back here after the mammogram on Thursday.  If I remember correctly if they don't see something suspicious they just let you go.  Fingers crossed.  TTYL

SOMETHING THAT FILLS YOU WITH HOPE: Hmm...lets see....right now I am grateful that I am filled with hope about Monte.  This time a year ago I was completely heartsick and felt like I had lost him forever.  Now here we are, going to live together, and he is on a fantastic trajectory of health and success.  Last year I was totally devoid of hope for him, and now here we are in such a positive place, working towards the most hopeful goal one can experience.  I am so grateful.