EMBARRASSING

Tears.  I just can't seem to listen to music without tears.  Not sad ones usually, although that does happen.  But just emotional ones....and it can be at the most inappropriate moments.  It seems I am always battling the tears and gulping and blinking, trying to hide it but they just come pouring out anyway.  So annoying. So embarrassing.  Music is the strongest trigger in me...more than smoking triggers, nostalgic memories, pictures, odours,....those are all triggers for sure but not as instant and strong as music...good music.

Bad music, to me, also is a trigger...to very strong feelings of disgust, anger or anxiety.  I can't just put random music on, radio, tv or hey google.  The music is constantly making me either cry or get pissed off.  Very very distracting and not a pleasant experience.  Therefore my house is silent a lot.

This morning for example Myles and April are here and everyone is still asleep.  I decided to get my emails done and do a post.  Okay just a minute..here we go...I am totally tearing up over what I am listening to.  I will be back in a moment.

Jesus Murphy!  My nose is running.  My eyes are running.  And its just a piece of stupid music.  So annoying.  (shovel list).  I am listening to Keith Jarrett's Kohn concert part 1.  And at the 21 minute mark the most magical music happens.  I force myself through the first 20 minutes, (which are also incredibly good) anticipating that climactic amazing four minutes of music perfection and when it happens out sprout the tears and my heart stops.  

My most significant memory with this piece of music happened in October of 1996.  We had just barely moved into our house on 12th.  One of the first things I did was hook up my record player and speakers in the very unfinished bedroom.  I had a rocking chair in there and a very compliant willing six year old son who was happy to climb up onto my lap and rock to whatever music I chose. This particular night I chose Koln Concert.

I shut all the lights off so it was pitch black in there and facing the huge wall to wall window, listening to that magical music, watched a big yellow harvest full moon float across the sky.  This is one of my most treasured memories.  And now every time I listen to that magical piece of music that special special night comes to mind.  What a gift.  And I cry.

So now that this has become ridiculously maudlin I shall quit.  Stay safe and six feet apart!!  Mask up folks!  TTYL