LIVING DEFENSIVELY

 I am not sure that I can explain what I mean in that title.  But I am going to try.

I was laying awake, yet again, in the middle of the night.  It suddenly occurred to me that a certain banking transaction involving my daughter, Arnie, had slipped my mind and I hadn't done it.  And enough time has gone by that I don't even remember the exact details needed to complete it.  I kind of panicked and tried desperately to remember.  And couldn't.

This meant that I would need to contact Aryn, busy busy Aryn who doesn't have time for silly crap like this, to check it out for me.  Now don't get me wrong...Aryn never ever makes me feel bad when I screw up.  Never.  This reluctance and embarrassment is all on me. 

 So this morning I emailed her with the request, I didn't phone.  I told her I was too embarrassed to phone.  And she sent me the most amazing email back.  First she said I never had to feel embarrassed to call her and then she sent a quote from someone on instagram:  "my mom worked multiple jobs while raising me alone and in return she gets to ask me what her Netflix password is every 8-9 weeks.  Thats our little agreement."  Then Aryn went on to say that I could ask her anything whenever and whatever.  Is that not amazing?  That makes me feel so much better, but I will still be careful not to take advantage of that.

I have noticed as I near 70 that certain interactions with people have taken a turn.  A few times now when a disagreement has come up, I was basically told I was the wrong one because I forget things.  Now its possible they were joking but I could tell that there was a smidgen of belief in their statement.  This has started to happen a bit more frequently as I get older.  Its almost like gaslighting.  You start to wonder is this a legitimate normal forgetting or am I getting old and forgetful for real?  I just know I don't need people making it a 'thing' to either get a point across or win an argument.

Age hasn't been something I have been overly concerned about over the couple of years before the pandemic.  Every year when the evil flu hits the country, all the warnings are for older people.  I always sat back in my mind and smugly thought, 'Well thats not me then'.  And then proceeded to not give the flu another thought, until I got it.  But because I wasn't in that 'older' group I took it for granted I would survive and survive well.  And I did.

But now that death has become a sure thing, and I cannot avoid the fact that I am now up in that older category, I can't avoid the recognition of being old.  The pandemic has drawn a very distinct ugly black line under my age, a very defining unavoidable recognition that has firmly put me in the scary zone.  For the first time ever.  And nothing has made me feel 'old' as strongly as this dark covid line.  

So now, on a daily ongoing basis, I live way more carefully.  Not only avoiding the virus, but what my mouth says, my thoughts are, my memory, my attitude....  This is what I mean by living defensively.  When you know that the virus will kill you if you don't take all precautions all the time, when you know people are beginning to think you are an old muddled forgetful grammaw, when you get a chair in a room short on chairs, you start living defensively.

I remember way back, Bill and I would host his family for a Christmas evening party a couple of weeks before Christmas.  And I remember his eighty something Mother, the sweetest person on the planet, would come with the family.  She would be plunked on the end of the couch and basically ignored from that point on.  I remember thinking that she should speak up more, she was an intelligent articulate woman.  But then when I saw how we all ignored her and poopooed anything she did manage to say, I understood her reluctance.

I now understand too why my mother, and other older mothers I know of, are always saying 'what did you say?  what are you saying?', not because they couldn't hear, but because they knew that conversations were going on that did not involve them purposely.  It can be annoying including older folks, their brains do slow down and it takes a little patience, but the reaction from some is to ask what's going on until they are annoying or they just sit back and tune out.  Neither is good.

So thats my rant for a while.  LOL!!  And I don't feel I need to add a specific covid section.  I have mentioned the pandemic quite enough!  So take care people, stay safe, noodle and treat old people nice!  TTYL