EGADS!!!! STAY OUT OF HOSPITALS!!!

 Well, that was a tad traumatic! I was up early this morning, into the shower, dressed and ready for an eight thirty appointment at the lab.

I decided to bypass Lifelabs and go to the one up at the hospital.  I have heard good and bad about that lab, but I have experienced long long long waits at Lifelabs.  And ever since they nabbed half the phlebotomists from there to work the vaccine site, they have cut the hours they are open waaaay back and you can't make appointments.

Both Kathy and Monte talked to me about hospital labs so I decided to look them up.  They make appointments!!!  I hopped onto their site and licketty split I had an appointment for the very next morning, this morning, first thing!!!  Easy peasy!!!!!  I still can't quite believe it!

Last night, due to mandatory fasting, I had my last drink of water at midnight, a really big one because my veins disappear when I don't have enough water in me.  I woke up ten times in the night with my mouth, right down to my gullet, dryer than a camel's you know what.  But I persevered and did not drink.

  I had taken two immodium so I didn't have to worry about that.  When I got up I had to p**s like a racehorse, as Spod used to say, but I held off.  I have failed in the little bottle test too many times.  I always end up having to take that little jar home and bring it back later.  I was determined that wouldn't happen this time.  (sorry about the personal info).  Off I went, desperately needing the loo and desperately needing coffee.

We have a really lovely lobby in the hospital.  As soon as I walked in, put on one of their masks, the aroma of that truly magical sublime drool worthy black elixir, coffee, floated over me.  I had forgotten that there was a wee coffee shop in that lobby.  And I don't know what it is about hospital lobby coffee shops but they have the most magnificent coffee ever.  And the aroma?  Pure torture when it isn't in your hand and isn't going to be any time soon.  

And wouldn't you know there was a women's bathroom right across from the coffee shop.  Holy jeepers!  A twofer!

As I purposefully beelined to the lab across the other side of the lobby I was brought to a screeching sudden halt by an unearthly ear splitting scream.  I mean it was panicked and loud.  And through that scream I heard a somewhat familiar sickening sound.  That is the sound of human flesh hitting the ground.

I pivoted around to see a massive amount of human flesh splayed out on the floor.  And I am talking huge!!!!  The screaming heaving mass was wearing a humungous dress, I presume it was a dress, it looked like an enormous flowered tarp.  From this I deduced this was a woman.  But the dress had flown up over her head and what was exposed was something I can't ever unsee no matter how old I grow.  I won't go into detail.  You poor folks have already had too much info and I am not done yet.

I know from past experience that there was absolutely no point in my trying to help her up.  I have been in the odd experience with fallen gargantuan people before and I know you can't get a grip on them anywhere.  Your hand just keeps sinking in.  But I could pull her dress down for her as she flailed and panicked.  Suddenly the troops arrived en masse.  They were very kind with her.  Probably afraid of being sued, after all she did fall off a four inch raised floor.  Pat did that once, hurt his ankle in the same way and same place and demanded five hundred bucks.  And got it.

Anyway they got a bunch of men together, and with a lot of heft and grunt and effort they got her into the sitting position.  But then that cow did the most crazy thing.  She started to yell and unload a verbal  barrage on the very people that were trying to help her!  She started hooping about how they were hurting her, not listening to her (like how could anyone NOT hear her), screeching every time they touched her.  She had to be nuts somehow.  I got the helly belly out of there.  I watch 600 pound life on occasion and I have noticed that those massive people not only have huge victim mentalities but entitled ones too!  How does that work?  Absolutely not one grateful bone in their bodies. Probably obliterated by a sense of failure and humiliation.

Now thankfully I entered the lab.  It is tiny.  There was hardly any room to move and there were only two tiny rooms for them to remove our blood.  And wouldn't you know it, there was a kid there.  Well actually he was more like tween, accompanied by a hover mother.  And the kid was NOT happy.  Trust me.

I was calmly handing over my stuff to the MO sitting behind six feet of safety glass, when I hear another blood curdling scream.  What the hell????  I turn toward the noise and this kid was in a full blown panicked tantrum.  I mean uncontrolled!  Jesus H that kid needed to be clocked a good one upside his head.  Holy shit!!!!!  He was kicking and biting and hitting the poor nurse person and throwing himself around in the chair.  I thought he was going to break it!  The nurse started to yell for help.  And before you could say Bob's your Uncle, half the men from the fat lady incident came busting through the door and subdued (nailed) that kid.  Meanwhile milque toast mom is saying soothing comforting gentle words to the kid in a semi whisper.  In the end they gave mom a choice.  Pin the kid down, drug him or LEAVE.  She left....with a titch of encouragement from the staff. Kid got what he wanted.

Meanwhile I still desperately needed the loo.  And a coffee.  They took me in to where the kid had been and very quickly and painlessly took three vials.  And she told me that I hadn't needed to fast!!!!  And DIDN'T NEED A URINE SAMPLE.  After all that!!!!  As soon as I left the lab I dashed to the loo and then the coffee shop.  I got a coffee and exited into my jeep and then sat there for a wee while in total silence, sipping that delicious amazing coffee.

Now I wait.  I will be getting a phone call from the doctor.  My A1C will be way too high, my kidneys will be in trouble, and my weight is too high as well.  Oh well.  (freaking shovel list)

Stay safe people, mask up and encourage peeps to get vaccinated.  TTYL

Okay I have two quotes today and I apologize in advance for both of them.

"I like fat people more than I like thin people, things are always a lot more funnier when they happen to fat people."    Lloyd Kaufman

"The second day of a diet is always easier than the first.  By the second day you are off it."  Jackie Gleason