DO NOT GET THERAPY !!!

Why? you might ask. Therapy is good isn't it? Having a councillor help guide you can only be a positive in your life I would think. Having a life coach help you moderate yourself can only be a good thing. Maybe.

But heres the thing. Last year around this time I started weekly sessions with a Life Coach, or LC as I call him here. He is truly an insightful addition to my life as I have blogged about before. I have truly accomplished more in the last year than I ever thought I needed to do. But.......as soon as you start to work with one of these learned peoples, everything becomes either your fault or your responsibility to fix. I shall give a few examples of this phenomenon that I have encountered over the last year.

As I have mentioned in this blog on numerous occasions, my men in my house (and I only have men) do not clean, themselves or their spaces or the communal space. My husband uses the dining room table as an office desk. Every now and then, like once every six months, I ask him to clean it off because we have company coming. Well...according to him that is "nagging" and "You are never happy". My immediate response, and fair one I think, is "WHAT THE HELL!!! I ASK ONCE IN A BLUE MOON TO GET YOUR CRAP OFF THE TABLE AND YOU HAVE A WHINY "POOR ME" FIT. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? HOW THE HELL IS THAT NAGGING?" And so on and so on until we are yelling so loud the neighbours can hear. All because I asked him to clean off the table. So, feeling quite justified and right about all this, I bring it up with LC. I don't like the fighting and Bill just makes it impossible not to. But...no no no, apparently not. Apparently I have made a "demand" and apparently, people do not respond to "demands" and apparently one must find cooperating words, used in a suitable co operating voice to obtain "favours" from others. WHAT???? Clean the damned frigging table off, I need to set the damned thing for freakin' dinner!!!! I shouldn't even have to ask! But....no no no. I need to completely change my tone of voice, carefully choose my words and be grateful and thankful for his co operation.

Bill is going deaf. This is something that happens at 77 years old. He isn't really bad but he can't hear very well. In his bedside drawer is a prescription for hearing aids. He will NOT get it filled. No reason. He just simply refuses. So, every single thing I say to him, has to be repeated at least once if not twice and maybe even three times. No matter where I am or how I have raised my voice and enunciated clearly, he always always responds with "Huh?" OMG!! It is driving me crazy. So now when he has done this for the fortieth time in one morning I yell "You need hearing aids!! When are you going to go get them? What the hell is wrong with you? I am not going to yell or repeat crap for you anymore...not til you get those stupid hearing aids." Reasonable I think. But because this has become a daily battle I bring it up with LC to seek solutions....like how can I make Bill get those hearing aids. But....no no no, again I am wrong. I must look at what Bill is saying about himself. I must try to understand what is making Bill fearful. I must accommodate Bill's natural anxiety about aging and weaknesses and new things and life changes and blah blah blah. I must find empathy and compassion within myself and be patient and caring and use a soothing calming voice (loud enough for him to hear of course) and wait for him to come to terms with the process. WHAT??? I am freakin' hoarse from yelling and truly mad that I never get heard the first two or three repetitions. This is just not right. What about him? Why can't he be the one to fix this?

A few months back we went shopping at Costco. On this particular trip he purchased a rather expensive wedge of smelly cheese. Upon arrival at home, we brought in the groceries and I put them away, including the smelly cheese, which I put on the cheese shelf in the fridge. Later I was sitting at my lappy working away when Bill passed purple room door on his way to the bedroom. I noticed him carrying something in his hand. Upon closer inspection I noticed it was the cheese. What?? What was he doing with the cheese in the bedroom. So seeing as how it is my bedroom as well, I followed him to find him bent over his bedside table rummaging around in the bottom drawer. "What are you doing? " i ask, a reasonable question I think. "I'm putting the cheese in here." "For the Love of God why?" I ask incredulously, again a most reasonable request. "This is expensive cheese and I don't want people (meaning Monte cuz I don't eat the stuff) just eating it up and using it for cooking and stuff." Ok. WTF. Stinky cheese in MY bedroom. Squirrelling. Hoarding. Crazy. "OH FOR CHRIST SAKE BILL. YOU ARE THE STINGIEST MOST OVER REACTING SELFISH PERSON I HAVE EVER MET. GET THAT FRIGGIN CHEESE OUT OF MY BEDROOM. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU????" And in complete faith that NOW LC will have to agree with me and help me find a solution, I tell him. But, no no no.....I have to understand that Bill is suffering from control issues. Bill is feeling like he doesn't get to make any of the decisions in this house. Bill feels helpless against the aging process. Bill is feeling small and in need of controlling one little aspect of his life. The cheese. I need to back off and let him have his little bit of authority and control. And that stupid cheese stunk up my bedroom for the next two weeks.

The real question in my mind is this. What if Bill had the same life coach as me. What if I wasn't the one being coached. What if Bill brought up the same issues. Would HE be told to be the compassionate understanding patient "change who you are" person? I think.....likely.