Way back in the fifties and early sixties, my dad would get an axe and off the family would go, looking for that quintessential perfect tree. My mom would NEVER let my dad go alone. Apparently when we were babies and too little to haul butt out in forty below weather tree hunting, he would go out and bring back the saddest, scrawniest piece of wood possible. (According to my mother). So when we got older and able to brave the elements safely we all went and mother always had the final say. It was an all day process, we would end up with a reasonable tree and fun was had by all.
Yesterday off Spod and I went to pick out our tree for this year. Now, I know it isn't going to be the romantic romp through snowy field and copse like days of yore…but this is the first real tree we have bought in a long time so I was somewhat excited.
First of all, it was raining. And if you know me, I don't do rain. It cements my hair into an impenetrable helmut and covers my glasses with water rendering me even more blind than I am. And umbrellas and me don't get along. They require patience of which I have none. So no picturesque rambling through free standing gracious looking evergreens.
We looked and looked for a tree lot, big enough to help with the quaint illusions I had in my mind. There were none…not one. We ended up outside Stupidstore, looking at bundled up and tightly tied trees leaning on the wall. How the hell are you supposed to know what it will look like? Actually in the end what it boiled down to was which one was not so heavy we couldn't even drag it, let alone carry it to the truck. And…there was nobody from the store around. So I grabbed the smallest one, showed Spod and told him to take it to the truck and I would go in and pay for it.
But before paying for it I did an hour of shopping. I am starting to load up on christmas necessaries. At the checkout I almost forgot to mention the tree. We so could have stolen it but I am afraid of karma. So I paid the 24 bucks and home we headed.
I had forgotten about some things involved in getting a real tree to look good. Jeezus Murphy!! First the tree needed to have branches on the bottom sawed off so it would fit into the stand. Spod and saw took care of that (I say so easily). Then we lifted it up and plunked it down into the tree stand…that had been prepped by Spod and pliers and WD40. Now here comes the tricky part:
We are old. We are fat. We have bad hips and knees. We don't do floors. In fact if Spod goes down he can't get up. I can go down (which I did) but it HURTS!! We kind of stood there and stared at each other and yet again Spod says "we will wait for April" This is like the fortieth time he has said this about various things over the last couple of days. And I am NOT waiting for April. Thats like giving in to our incapacities.
So down I went, yelping in pain and laying there for a few minutes to recover. I then got the pliers and tightened the heinously evil metal screw turners. This was an extremely slow and laborious endeavour. And…I had to get up off the floor a few times to check to see if that f…er was straight, which it just wasn't. Finally we decided that it was the tree itself that wasn't grown straight. We had even gone as far as suggesting that we put a book under one side of the stand to tip it straight and then tie it to the ceiling so it wouldn't fall over. But..we finally secured it enough in as straight a line as possible. I got up off the floor for the last time, but I had to crawl over to the sofa for leverage first, groaning the whole way.
At this point I did give in and decide to let April do the lights. They weren't home until later, so under the guise of the tree needing time to let the branches settle, we just left it. And later April did put the lights on. We need more though so Spod and I are off today to get more.
Another thing I forgot about…needles. Needles everywhere. No matter how much you sweep there are still more needles. And water. You have to put water in that thing every day. Down there. At the bottom. Where you have to get down on the floor. Hmmm…we have TWO fake trees. I think next year will be a fake tree year. Unless, of course, I lose that magical 150 pounds I plan to lose one day. Yeah, I will get right on that! TTYL
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