DO NOT GET THERAPY !!!

Why? you might ask. Therapy is good isn't it? Having a councillor help guide you can only be a positive in your life I would think. Having a life coach help you moderate yourself can only be a good thing. Maybe.

But heres the thing. Last year around this time I started weekly sessions with a Life Coach, or LC as I call him here. He is truly an insightful addition to my life as I have blogged about before. I have truly accomplished more in the last year than I ever thought I needed to do. But.......as soon as you start to work with one of these learned peoples, everything becomes either your fault or your responsibility to fix. I shall give a few examples of this phenomenon that I have encountered over the last year.

As I have mentioned in this blog on numerous occasions, my men in my house (and I only have men) do not clean, themselves or their spaces or the communal space. My husband uses the dining room table as an office desk. Every now and then, like once every six months, I ask him to clean it off because we have company coming. Well...according to him that is "nagging" and "You are never happy". My immediate response, and fair one I think, is "WHAT THE HELL!!! I ASK ONCE IN A BLUE MOON TO GET YOUR CRAP OFF THE TABLE AND YOU HAVE A WHINY "POOR ME" FIT. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? HOW THE HELL IS THAT NAGGING?" And so on and so on until we are yelling so loud the neighbours can hear. All because I asked him to clean off the table. So, feeling quite justified and right about all this, I bring it up with LC. I don't like the fighting and Bill just makes it impossible not to. But...no no no, apparently not. Apparently I have made a "demand" and apparently, people do not respond to "demands" and apparently one must find cooperating words, used in a suitable co operating voice to obtain "favours" from others. WHAT???? Clean the damned frigging table off, I need to set the damned thing for freakin' dinner!!!! I shouldn't even have to ask! But....no no no. I need to completely change my tone of voice, carefully choose my words and be grateful and thankful for his co operation.

Bill is going deaf. This is something that happens at 77 years old. He isn't really bad but he can't hear very well. In his bedside drawer is a prescription for hearing aids. He will NOT get it filled. No reason. He just simply refuses. So, every single thing I say to him, has to be repeated at least once if not twice and maybe even three times. No matter where I am or how I have raised my voice and enunciated clearly, he always always responds with "Huh?" OMG!! It is driving me crazy. So now when he has done this for the fortieth time in one morning I yell "You need hearing aids!! When are you going to go get them? What the hell is wrong with you? I am not going to yell or repeat crap for you anymore...not til you get those stupid hearing aids." Reasonable I think. But because this has become a daily battle I bring it up with LC to seek solutions....like how can I make Bill get those hearing aids. But....no no no, again I am wrong. I must look at what Bill is saying about himself. I must try to understand what is making Bill fearful. I must accommodate Bill's natural anxiety about aging and weaknesses and new things and life changes and blah blah blah. I must find empathy and compassion within myself and be patient and caring and use a soothing calming voice (loud enough for him to hear of course) and wait for him to come to terms with the process. WHAT??? I am freakin' hoarse from yelling and truly mad that I never get heard the first two or three repetitions. This is just not right. What about him? Why can't he be the one to fix this?

A few months back we went shopping at Costco. On this particular trip he purchased a rather expensive wedge of smelly cheese. Upon arrival at home, we brought in the groceries and I put them away, including the smelly cheese, which I put on the cheese shelf in the fridge. Later I was sitting at my lappy working away when Bill passed purple room door on his way to the bedroom. I noticed him carrying something in his hand. Upon closer inspection I noticed it was the cheese. What?? What was he doing with the cheese in the bedroom. So seeing as how it is my bedroom as well, I followed him to find him bent over his bedside table rummaging around in the bottom drawer. "What are you doing? " i ask, a reasonable question I think. "I'm putting the cheese in here." "For the Love of God why?" I ask incredulously, again a most reasonable request. "This is expensive cheese and I don't want people (meaning Monte cuz I don't eat the stuff) just eating it up and using it for cooking and stuff." Ok. WTF. Stinky cheese in MY bedroom. Squirrelling. Hoarding. Crazy. "OH FOR CHRIST SAKE BILL. YOU ARE THE STINGIEST MOST OVER REACTING SELFISH PERSON I HAVE EVER MET. GET THAT FRIGGIN CHEESE OUT OF MY BEDROOM. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU????" And in complete faith that NOW LC will have to agree with me and help me find a solution, I tell him. But, no no no.....I have to understand that Bill is suffering from control issues. Bill is feeling like he doesn't get to make any of the decisions in this house. Bill feels helpless against the aging process. Bill is feeling small and in need of controlling one little aspect of his life. The cheese. I need to back off and let him have his little bit of authority and control. And that stupid cheese stunk up my bedroom for the next two weeks.

The real question in my mind is this. What if Bill had the same life coach as me. What if I wasn't the one being coached. What if Bill brought up the same issues. Would HE be told to be the compassionate understanding patient "change who you are" person? I think.....likely.

turkey aftermath

So, here I sit. It is four thirty the day after the dinner. I am watching Judge Judy, sitting in my same old pjs, my feet on a once again dirty crumby floor. My table is no longer covered with accounting books, but covered with the detritus of a delicious dessert, post turkey dinner. My kitchen is a holy hell mess. Not from dinner (thank you kids) but from the constant and continuous foraging that has occurred since. I did one thing today. I denuded two turkey carcasses, have a soup on the boil and created a shepherds pie from other left overs. Ahhhhh.....it feels like Christmas. That being said...let me tell you a little story..

Several years ago, when my step dad (whom we all had a problem with) was still alive, we all had the brilliant idea that we should have a warm and fuzzy christmas at our house. My sister and her husband and three girls, my mother and her significant other, all my kids etc... were to come for a couple of days and a wonderful christmas would be had by all. So Aryn and I swung into action. First the ideas (like wonderful personal little goodie bags at each place at table, a six foot tall stocking to be stuffed with many wrapped presents for my Mom and Bob, a tacky gift party etc....), then the lists, then the shopping, then the wrapping, then the cooking, then the house cleaning, then the arrival of all things relative. If I remember correctly we had a talent show that we had all practised for (on our piano). Some of us went down to Stanley park and rode the Christmas train. We had several brisk lovely cold christmas light walks in our neighbourhood. Many board games were played. You get the picture I am sure. It was almost Norman Rockwellish.

We pulled out the table to its fullest, added the card tables, hauled in the good old plastic deck chairs, layed out two or three unmatching table cloths (the ugly one at the kids end incorporating a couple of card tables), got out the christmas dishes supplemented with kitchen dishes, christmas crackers placed at each setting, goodie bags used as place name cards, bowls and platters and dishes heaped with steaming turkey dinner food laid out......ahhhhhh christmas at its finest.

But....all these realtives all together for long periods of time can be a little daunting too. We were all on our best behaviour, except for the stepdad, who ended up creating a really loud disturbing totally ridiculous scene. This then really upset our mother which in turn upset my sister and myself which then upset our husbands which then upset those kids that were actually paying attention. But, being the well bred people we are, we quickly sucked it up, put a smile on our faces and continued on.

Later in the kitchen, nearing the end of an all involved clean up, I got out the giant soup pot and looked for the turkey carcass. It was gone. The roaster was washed and put away. A thorough inspection of the fridge did not produce a turkey carcass. A look in the freezer showed it wasn't there. So I asked. And a certain brother in law said casually, "I threw it out." WHAT??? What the hell, I think I hollared too loud. He responded that there wasn't much left on the bones. I then went to the garbage, took a look, hauled it out, rinsed it off and plopped it into the soup pot and said" I can make ten meals out of whats left on this" Again, I think I didn't use a really good inside voice. He scoffed and replied"Ten meals? Yeah right." and stomped out of the kitchen. Over the next two hours (we had eaten really early in the day) I made the biggest most delicious pot of soup ever.

The next morning they were all getting ready to drive back to Kamloops. I had put the soup back on the stove to continue to simmer. J, one of the daughters dished herself up a healthy bowl and proceeded to eat it. Her mother, using not so subtle face signals, indicated that she shouldn't eat it. (I think out of support for her poor husband as opposed to health concerns) J then announced in a loud voice, totally missing her mothers point, "Why? Its been boiled. This is really good. Can I have some more Garbage Soup please Auntie H?" To this day we call turkey soup Garbage Soup. Ahhhhhh, Christmas, family get togethers and new traditions. We are all doing it again this year, but at my sisters. I don't think I will throw out their turkey though!

turkey dinner

The other day, as I sat at my son's kitchen table, he made a statement that resonated with me. He was telling me how he works much better when he has a deadline and is late getting started on the project and is under huge pressure. Well, I do believe that I am much the same.

Tonite I have the family and a couple of Monte's friends coming for a turkey dinner. There will be ten at table.. I am, at the moment of eleven in the morning sitting in my pj's at this computer. Under my feet is a huge pile dirt and crumbs, the table is covered with Bill's accounting books, the kitchen is a holy hell mess, the bathroom is disgusting, the two turkeys are not stuffed, (although I did make the stuffing), furniture isn't moved, none of the cook ahead food is cooked...you get the picture.

So I have now set a dead line of twelve. I shall swing into action, stuff turkeys, clean bathrooms, move furniture, set table and start cooking in Earnest. If I had done this yesterday I would have to be redoing at least half of it!!

I shall take some pictures and post them below. Remember to always check the bottom of the page here to see pics. TTYL

Oh Lord, there is a reason your eggs dry up at 40!

I just can't do it anymore. Plain and simple. Little three year old boys can defeat me. True, if I lost one hundred pounds, or did a few hours a week in the gym it might help. But I doubt it. And this is why.....

Bill and I decided to take F to Nanaimo for the day. It was suggested that we take him to Jumping Jiminy's. Ok, now I know I am not the youngest chicken on the block, but an indoor playground? That charges eight bucks a kid to play in it? Whats wrong with Macdonalds play area, I ask. Oh well, if it makes the kid happy, why not?

We left for what should have been a one hour drive. The first hint that this day was not going to go quite as planned was a big loud announcement from the car seat in the back "Hey Gma, I can undo this!" I look to see that he had undone a vital part of his seatbelt system. And when I say system I mean system. Its a four part process, each one more difficult than the last. You need Hercules hands to complete it while wedging yourself between the back of the front seat and the back seat, one knee on the back floor and one awkwardly cranked at a ninety degree angle upwards and back. Leaning on forearms and elbows, you have only your wrists left for leverage to get the parts into the proper parts and snapped shut. Its hard when you are young and strong. Put on thirty years and a hundred pounds and give it a try. Right. And he got part of it open. JEEEEEZ!!!! So we pull the truck over, I climb out, wedge into the back, snap it all together, unwedge and get back into the front, do up my own belt and off we go. "Gma.....I did it again!!!" (so proud of himself). JEEEEZ!!!! This time the rebuckling was accompanied with a lecture that involved words like "no" "danger" "angry" "home" "NO JUMPING JIMINY"S!!!!!"

Upon arrival, we entered the facility, handed over money, put on wrist bracelets (they couldn't get one to fit Gpa) , removed shoes, (ten minute process for Gpa) and entered the hallowed ground. We were met with a dingy, worn carpeted giant room that had several play stations and cafe tables spread about. F immediately disappeared into a monstrous three story high play system. It involved long tunnel slides, giant planet shaped spheres to jump in, ladders and nets and ropes and narrow little alley ways that went straight up in the air. That big huge system sucked that kid up and ate him before we could blink an eye. And we didn't see him again for half an hour. He could have been killed in there and we wouldn't have known it.

Eventually he surfaced long enough to ask for food. So.....on the sticky menu placed on the table, the choices were..mac and cheese, hot dog, burger, fairy bread (mushy white bread spread with canned icing and covered with sprinkles), pudding cups...well you get the idea. Judging by the smell permeating from him, it was time to go anyway. Like the bad Gma I am, I had totally forgotten to bring in his diapers. So with promises of Sushi (his fave), we went out to the truck in the parking lot. I told Bill that he had to be changed first.

Now, this little guy is turning three on Hallowe'en. He is a boy. Being a boy, he is not trained and still in diapers, but he is doing adult size business in the britches. Need I say more. There was no room on the back seat to lay him down and he outright refused to lay down on the parking lot. His mom had told me she changes him standing up. Ok. I am all for that.

So, off with the shoes, off with the pants, undo the diaper, and plop....it all went to hell right there. By the time I was through he needed his entire legs and backside washed, he needed clean socks and the truck seat needed shampooing. The only one enjoying it was Molly, our grotty little pom.

Off to Costco. We worked through our list and taste tested everything along the way. We found the sushi and looked at the toys and books. Generally, we had a lot of fun. I have to admit though, I was beginning to flag a little. We went to the eating area and Bill bought fries (another fave of F's), coke zero and a hot dog. F had his sushi but wanted fries. Bill had put beef gravy all over them. Try to explain to a three year vegetarian why he can't have one of Gpa's fries. It didn't go well. But he ate all his sushi, drank some pop (our bad) and we left happy.

We made a stop at Walmart to buy him his birthday present. He picked out an excavator and a bulldozer. Good choices! So, he was dying to play with them and the dogs were dying for a wee run. As we drove along the freeway, I spotted a spot we could pull off, far enough from the road to be safe. Poor F had to play on a paved road, beside a hill of riprap rocks, not the best local but oh well! Within two minutes, F let out a howl and loud noises of displeasure. The treads on his cat had come off. So I put them back on, again and again and again and again and again. OMG!!!! I forgot that you have to check out every single thing you buy for defects like this. Kill me now......

Eventually we made it home with a sleeping little boy and two exhausted grandparents. A good day was had by all!!!