FINAL DAY AT SEA...TOMORROW LONDON

Well this is it folks, at least the ship part.  I am sitting up in the buffet area having just had our last awful dinner.  If this were a world cruise I would be jumping ship tomorrow! 

 Cruises are now on my shovel list.  And crew from Goa are on that list too.  And our room steward, Luella, belongs there as well.  I don’t like her.  She did not do our room at night.  And we asked for ice for each day, but she brought it twice and that was it, even when we asked.  Sounds spoiled but good service isn’t rocket science and she didn’t provide.  

Now for the good stuff.  The bar guys were all Filipino and awesome.  The cruise directer was a scream and I could just adopt him and bring him home with me.  The Brits were wonderful people...we didn’t meet even one bad one.  Not one.  The draft diet coke was tasty (sometimes its not).  We didn’t have to muster somewhere on the ship before our shore excursions, we could just walk off at our appointed time and go find our bus.  I really liked that.  And I really enjoyed and won’t forget,  going down each morning for a latte and muffin and chatting with the staff (the only people about that early).  The Captain would drop by and visit for a few minutes...Neil, the director I love so much, would stop to visit, and so on.  They were all coming down to get their morning coffee.

Something not funny, but actually it was, happened to Bill.  We always have the deck door open.  We aren’t supposed to because it apparently interferes with the a/c.  Don’t care.  But....when we need to open the stateroom door to the hallway, we make sure we shut the deck door first, not only to hide the fact that we have it open all the time, but it blows the stateroom door shut too hard.

Bill didn’t believe me when I told him I had put the small bag out in the hall along with my big one...ready for pick up.  He decided to go check, silly man.  And he forgot the deck door closure first rule.

He opened up the hall door, stepped forward to go through, let go of the door and it blew shut so hard and fast and whacked him a good one on his backside, shot him out into the hallway and slammed.   He just simply disappeared..it all happened so fast.

I leapt off the bed and tore over and whipped the door open.  I had to hang onto the door with all my might to keep it from ejecting me out into the hallway at a hundred miles an hour too.  And there he was, head first into the other wall, hands on either side of his head against the wall, trying to regain his equilibrium, and muttering “For f... sake!”  “Are you alright?” I asked, trying really hard to keep the laugh out of my voice, but he must have picked up on it because he launched into all the reasons how this was my fault.  Mine!  What???!!!  How?  I asked.  Because apparently I am the one who wants the deck door open...I am the one who gets too hot,  I am the one who wants to hear the water swoosh past,  I am the one that likes the fresh air, and so on and so on.  Jeez!  I couldn’t really argue, I was laughing too hard.  

Around quarter to three this afternoon, I suggested we watch a paid for movie on the tv.  It was one we hadn’t seen yet and looked good.  The only thing is he hadn’t packed yet so I told him to pack and then we would watch...we had to get our suitcases out by 6 o’clock.  So, he started to pack.  I was reading.

Well a few minutes into it, it came to my attention that I wasn’t seeing any movement out of the corner of my eye.  What was he doing?  He was sitting in a chair fiddling around and playing with a compass.  This way, that way, up, down.  BILL!!!  Pack!!  “Oh oh yeah.  I am!”  So he gets up and gets back to packing.

After a few more minutes I again do not detect movement.  I look.  Again..in the chair putting polysporin on his wounds, slowly, one by one.  Searching for more.  Lifting this arm.  Lifting that arm.  BILL!!!  Pack!!  “Oh oh yeah.  I am!”

Another few minutes go by and again the no movement.  I kid you not, there he was, sitting on the edge of the bed, looking in a mirror, nose hair clippers at hand.  I look at the time.  Forty five minutes had gone by and he had his suitcase not even half packed.  He simply cannot focus.  There were clothes, socks, pills, ointments, coat, shoes, book, paraphernalia simply everywhere....not packed.  This totally reminded me of his shed packing at home before the trip.

It was five o’clock before he finally had his suitcase out in the hall.  We both got comfy and I found the right movie and got it going...only to discover that the volume on it was so low we could barely hear it.  And we are on a ship full of frigging deaf people.  Honestly, does nothing work on this tub?  We PAID for that stupid movie and we can hardly hear it.  Oh well, we are off tomorrow...none too soon I say.  TTYL from London!!!!

DAY 22 &23 (I THINK) AT SEA AND IN VIGO SPAIN

I have a shovel list.  I would like to claim that I came up with this brilliant idea myself, but I didn’t  It was in a book I read and it so resonated with my soul I decided to adopt the idea.

In spite of the stellar positive advice of my recent life coach, who was never wrong, who expressed that hating things was not good for one’s psyche, I find there are things, a lot of things as it turns out, that I actually do hate.  So a shovel list, where I can freely add to it at any time, no matter how trivial or unimportant in the general scheme of things, and then, knowing it is actually recorded somewhere, giving it cred, seemed such a timely good idea.   I can then let that particular hate go, off into that place that released ideas go.  I mention this because from now on in my posts, shovel list in brackets will be showing up on occasion.

We were into Vigo today...which would have been spectacular, even if it wasn’t.  We were just so happy to get off the ship for a wee while.  We walked, at the speed of dark, up into the old part of the city.  There were lots of narrow little streets, pretty windows and lots of little cafes and such.  It being Sunday, the more predominant stores were closed.

We stopped at a wonderful street cafe for seafood. Mmmmm...this is a seafood city and the oysters, prawns, scallops, octopus, clams, mussels...you name it, were there for the taking.  So we ordered paella  with seafood and it was amazing...I have noticed the Mediterraneans cook with a lot more lemon than we do and it makes the food so delightfully tangy and fresh.  

We ran into a couple of friends on the way back to the ship and we stopped at a cafe near the ship for a coffee.  These people are so charming and interesting.  He is the one with Parkinsons and he does so well.

Now we are back on ship, down in the coffee shop, purposefully avoiding the giant sail away party on the top deck.  Its kind of awkward and creepy to watch a load of old people swinging and dancing to “Blurred Lines”.  We are also avoiding going back to our cabin...there is no doubt we would be asleep in a New York second.  Thank God there is only one more day on this tub and then we are off into London.  I have been talking to various Brits finding out which shows we should take in whilst there and it seems Jersey Boys is at the top of the list.  We are going to go see two more too so I will see when we get there.  Our hotel is right smack in the middle of the theatre district so it should be easy to go to them.

I am going to sign off for now.  TTYL 

DAY 20 &21 GET ME OUTTA HERE!

Another stellar bloody bleeding mind numbing day at sea.  Something needs to happen to shake my brain awake.

As you know I have a habit of taking an instant dislike to people...it saves time.  And I have to admit that on this trip my habit is being tested.  But, after what I watched yesterday my habit had a wee boost.

I was sitting on a couch at the bottom of the Atrium.  There was an announcement that there was going to be a fashion show, using our very own passengers as the models.  Hmmm....better than nothing and these people take themselves so seriously..so I decided to stay and watch, it might be interesting.

Really, I wasn’t going to write about this because, quite frankly, it would just be too difficult to find the right words to convey exactly what I saw.  And I can’t just be blindly “nice” about the people involved.  I will qualify this post by telling you that I spent some time debating about writing about this because I do feel a bit mean and judgy.   But this might be a nice distraction for the next while, so here goes.

To start with, these lovely Brits have no shame or inhibitions, thus the getting naked up on the top deck.  You would think that the majority of the women who volunteered would sort of come from the top echelon, somewhat shapely, not too ancient, still able to walk at least...but no, not actually.

Our lovely flamboyant (I am in love with him) cruise director, Neil, MC’ed the affair.  The chosen music was a very thumpy heavy bassed trance music...no effort to match the models, the clothes, the whole event with the right ambience at all.  So,  we all sat with baited breath, the wild thrilling music changing our heartbeats, lights flashing and zinging,  Neil making a shouty excited intro,  pregnant expectant pause, and SWISH..the curtains parts and out comes the first model.

I am not sure what I was expecting at this early stage of the event, but not what came inching through that curtain.  She had to be 80 if she was a day, with a cane, wearing a most hideous t-shirt material (can’t remember what that stuff is called) sagging baggy flesh coloured skirt and cowl necked (cowl neck shirts are on my shovel list)  long sleeved top.  She looked ghastly!  She was of that certain age that someone at home would have had to help her choose her clothes and whoever it was did not do her any favour.  She wobbled her way to the end of the makeshift runway, sweetly took a wee bow and wobbled back.   All the while the wild thumping music, excited howls from Neil, flashing lights....oxymoron at its finest!  Holy Cow!

Neil, in overly excited clappy hand glee announced the next model.  We wait...and wait....and wait.....and suddenly through the curtain leaps a very springy spry wrinkly old lady making exaggerated swoops and dips and flourishes, displaying a crazy patterned halter dress with an extremely full skirt.  It had the most awful pattern like  zigged and zagged lightening bolts in varying shades of orange and brown and red.  Her scrawny breasts were way too tiny and her chest looked like a fork had gouged a pattern downward into the gaping top of the dress.  Holy Crap!  I thought she was going to bolt right off the runway and to top it off every time she spun violently in circles, the dress shot up to show quite revealing ugly knickers.  We definitely found out what old ladies look like down there  (aww come on!  you know you wondered at least once in your life) What the hell!!!  The dress was way too young for someone with that many wrinkles..it looked ridiculous.  And the dress was UGLY.  Where do these people shop anyway.

So on it went, each one getting more more bizarre or incredibly boring.   One old lady came out it a mud colour shapeless skirt, brougy type shoes with a matching sweater.  Absolutely no style at all. It was clear that they didn’t do much editing with the clothes these people chose to model.  

As in all fashion shows there is a grand finale, a final model with a show stopper.  Neil started to giggle and clap and jump up and down and sing song out that “Here it is ladies and gents....the big moment....the one we have been waiting for....here is Helen....wearing the......blah blah blah.”  At this point, when “helen” came through that curtain, I was shocked into deafness.  I didn’t hear another word the man said.   Seriously, I am going to have trouble describing this one so bear with me here...this is exactly what came through the curtain next...and thankfully last.

Helen would have been about 70 years old, her hair was corn braided, every inch of it and hung down to almost her ass....and let me tell you, her ass had a life of its own.  She probably weighed between 300 and 400 pounds and every part of her moved in different directions.  She had massive breasts...absolutely gargantuan and they moved and swung around independently of each other.  Her legs were fat...no other word for it...simply grotesquely fat, she had rolls on her ankles.  

I am not trying to be mean here.  I am hugely fat myself (and my name is Helen)  but the sight of this woman coming out in the dress she had on left me mindlessly speechless.  Honestly I couldn’t believe what she was wearing.  It was a belted, short sleeved, tight fitting top with a completely full gathered fairly short skirt.  The top was horizontally striped dark orange and black, tiny stripes and the bottom was the same material but vertically striped.  And when she walked the whole dress swung in different directions, back and forth and ...well it just made one dizzy watching her.

And those of us with giant stomaches understand the concept that we don’t have a waist.  None.  So if you try to belt that sucker all that happens is the belt rides up to the top of your massive gut or slides down below...not the most becoming sight.  Her belt had ridden right up to under her massive breasts, which of course made that excessive amount of skirt material flare way way out in front of her.  When she turned sideways, I kid you not, she was wider than the six foot wide runway...she flounced around, back and forth, and as she did a low murmur started to circulate around the crowd.  To top this off she was in six inch spikey high heels.  Very very impressive I must say!  When she finally sashayed off the stage, we all just sat there in complete stunned silence, not sure what we had just seen.  But then all the models paraded out in a line and we all started to clap.

But then, get this...Neil then thanked them all, made a nicey nicey little speech then invited us all to the “Wardrobe”,  the clothing shop here on the ship, we could actually purchase these items!  WHAT???  They actually sell this crap on the ship?  Oh MY GOD!!!  I couldn’t believe it!  He did say that Helen’s outfit was her own and not for sale.  Of course, anything bigger than a size 2 doesn’t exist.  This did restore my faith a wee bit in these ladies...it wasn’t their fault.  The clothes they had on were not their responsibility.  

I just re-read this post and frankly I was going to delete it.  This just doesn’t come near to describing what that fashion show was like.  And it seems really really mean....I still am trying to hide the fact that I am actually a very shallow and mean person at heart.  But I simply have absolutely nothing else to write about so I shall leave it...with my apologies.  TTYL

PS:  My apologies to overweight people that may be reading this.  I know the fact that I am fat myself doesn’t make my fat remarks acceptable.  But, as I said, I ain’t a nice person.

DAY 19....AT SEA

I think I said in the post yesterday that we are kind of enjoying our at sea days this time.  Well I take it back.  Its tedious and boring.  We are beginning to really irritate each other.  And there is NOTHING to do.  NOTHING.

I am NOT going to go play trivia, or name that stupid tune, or play dumb bowling games, or lay in the sun, or jog nowhere, or go get my hair done :(, or eat more slops, or or or......

I am on my seventh book and I am now watching the most awful programs offered on the tv here.  Right now I am watching a documentary on British beauty queens and what became of them.  Really.  Previously, I watched a program on an obscure cave that was found in France some time ago.  Turns out there were prehistoric paintings in there, half of them we won’t ever see because they don’t want to walk on that part of the cave floor and wreck something or other...what the hell?  

But the one that takes the cake is the documentary on how the underwear industry developed and a lot of attention paid to the brassiere.  Actually all I took away from that awful show was it was inept men that invented the contraption.  Figures.

And Bill is driving me crazy.  What is with people when they get old, they become obsessed with bowel movements.  Half the conversations with the people that are over 80 are about bowel movements.  I remember my grandmother was like that...”Are you moving alright dear?  If not I have some of the bran muffins for you.”

When someone comes and sits with us, if they appear to be over 80ish, I know where the conversation is going to end up.  And so no matter what the subject, within five minutes, I am thinking “Yup, and there it is.”

I hate to say it but often its Bill that keeps  the subject going.

  Bill:  “So how are you enjoying the trip?”  Old Geezer:  “Oh aye, its okay.  Twould be better if I could get what’s in, out...if ye get my meaning like.”  Bill:  “Oh I get your meaning...spent the entire morning yesterday in the john.  Its the food you know.”  OG:  “Aye tis tis!  Ye know them puddinks a ta end ta meal...well they thicken ‘em with somethink binding...oh aye..I spoke to cook and he said they dint...but I know they do...oh aye aye like.”  Bill:  “Well I like to get a bowl of those canned prunes...they work very well for me”  OG:  “Really, well I’ll ha ta give that a try I will like.” 

 And on and on and on.  They LIKE talking about it.

And when they finally move to the next subject, it is almost always about their medications and the side effects the meds incur.  Oh My God!!!  And they all take the same crap.  So out trots the dizzy comments, the loose bowel comments, the memory loss comments, the coldness comments.....keep in mind they all wear hearing aids that just aren’t strong enough.  So they lean in to each other, cup their ears and say “What What?” a lot, or completely misunderstand what each other is saying.  I watched Bill and an old dude have a five minute conversation and neither one of them was talking about the same thing. 

Okay, enough.  Tomorrow is another day and hopefully something exciting and wonderful will happen.  I think I will find a different spot to sit.  Ooooo...can’t wait!  TTYL 

DAY 18..KORINTH/ATHENS

Hot hot hot today!  And my pics weren’t all that great...a big bad hard sun out there.

Our wake up call came at six thirty and we were all docked up.  We had to leave our stateroom by quarter after 7.  Out we went and trundled onto our buses.  We drove about an hour from here to Korinth with a older lady tour guide talking and talking and talking.  I think I know all the greek god history and stories now.

The canal that slaves built, dug really, is four miles long, very narrow and connects the Aegean Sea to the Ionian Sea across the Isthmus peninsula.  An amazing human feat!  We rode a boat through and back.  Corinth is where St. Paul lived for 18 months preaching the good word.  I wish we could have seen the ruins but I must say its a good thing we didn’t sign up for that.  It is so blinking hot outside and Bill simply would not have been able to make it.  But what we saw was amazing.

We got back to the ship by one, grabbed our laptops and books and headed upstairs to ‘our’ table.  We are docked in a beautiful spot so I decided to go upstairs as far as possible and get some pictures.  I haven’t been up to the sports deck as yet.  Bill stayed with the stuff at the table.

I got off on the 19th floor and it was a deck that curved around the back of the ship, as high as you can go.  I was surprised to see a fair number of people laying in deck chairs sunbathing...I didn’t pay them any attention.  These Brits love to lay in the sun and get BROWN!  Its like a competition with them.  So I just ignored them and immediately went over to the edge and started to snap pics, moving along the railing to get a good set from all sides of the ship.

Along the way I had to occasionally dodge around lounge chairs, but I kept my eye on the horizon as I was trying to get a home made panorama.

At one point I caught the eye of one man who quite pointedly said hello..in such a tone of voice it caught my attention.  I smiled and said Hi back.  He then said that generally they don’t let cameras up there.  I am thinking WTH??  Security, safety, what?  So I kind of told him I was just getting pictures of the city..was that not all right?  Well, no, he kind of hesitantly replied, ‘it’s just that the people prefer that no pictures be taken up here.”  And then I looked around

Most of them were bollox naked.  Even the men.  Skinny, old, fat, old, wrinkly, old, ewwwww!!! Did I mention old?  Without thought I went “Holy Crap!!!” which struck those nearby funny.  They knew I had no idea.  And let me tell you, it ain’t a pretty picture, standing in a sea of OLD wrinkly bodies, the women’s boobs falling way down under their armpits, the mens’ diddlies looking like sad little dried up dill pickles sitting on dangling prunes.  So I lifted my camera and pretended to push video and told them all I was filming them!!!  Freaked a couple of them out and we all had a good laugh and then I got the hell out of there as fast as possible.  Oh God...the image is burned in my brain.  What is with these old Brit dudes...my hats’ off to them I gotta say!

Now we are about to have four days at sea.  I must admit that this time we are enjoying our sea days more than usual.  Probably because of all the lovely people on this ship.

I shall be back tomorrow!  TTYL

DAY 17...WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE LESVOS

Just a minute...I have to go smack Bill.  We are sitting down in the cafe and Bill is thumping his new cane...over and over and over.  Why oh why do old men do that?  For what purpose?  I am going to take it away from him.

There and now he is mad.  He’s becoming more and more like a two year old everyday.  And I have noticed a new trend with him...he is becoming more and more belligerent and stubborn every day.  He will just make his mind up about something and then thats it.  Its so stupid.  And he has taken to loudly making inappropriate comments at the worst time.  For example:  We don’t like the food but now he tells all the staff, loud and long.  Its embarrassing.  And when we talk to the Indian boys that work here..he tells them we bought a ‘flying carpet’.  Its not funny and I am having to threaten him with shunning if he doesn’t shut up.  He thinks he is funny.  If he only knew...oh yeah, thats right, he DOES know.  He just doesn’t care.

Anyway, no old lesbian tour guides for us today.  The wind has picked up and we can’t anchor, so no Greek Island tour.  Another awesome day at sea.  Unlike Cheryl on her cruise, we aren’t on fire, we aren’t dead in the water, and we have power.  Poor Cheryl and Bill!  I just read on her facebook page that their cruise has been cancelled!!!  They are being dropped off in Naples, flown to Barcelona and flown home.  I hate to say this but I sort of wished that had happened to us instead of them.  I really need to be home and they looked so forward for so long for their trip.  So sad!

The Captain just came on the blower to tell us that there is going to be a general big strike tomorrow in Athens and the port people (tugs, pilots, tie- er uppers, etc) are going to start a sympathy strike at 8 in the morning and we are to get there by five...or we can’t dock.  And, the wind is blowing like hell out there so we can’t go too fast.  Hmmmm...maybe Athens will be off the list too.  After tomorrow we have four, count ‘em! four days at sea!

Tomorrow we are supposed to take a boat through the Corinth canal...should be interesting.  Anyway, I am heading to bed.  Docking is a noisy affair and I do feel we will be awakened very early...so off to bed early.  And before I get there I have to try to track down what the hell is biting me.  I am covered with big bites, not little ones, that itch like crazy.  They are all over my arms and shoulders.  I think I will check for bedbugs and if I find any I am going to insist I be moved to the Captain’s quarters!  TTYL

DAY 16...ISTANBUL..SORT OF

What a totally lazy lazy day.  We were in Istanbul til’ one o’clock and we didn’t even get off the boat.  If Bill were more able to walk we could have gone to a market nearby..but he really isn’t able to go that far anymore.  Which was just fine with me.  Plus it was raining a little and as people who know me will tell you, I don’t do rain.

I got dressed and went down to the cafe and secured our fave table while he diddled around in the room...getting dressed.  It takes him sooooo long and I seem to be unable to hide my impatience with him very well!  How can putting your freaking socks and shoes on take twenty minutes?  And how can deciding if you should use your cane or not take five minutes?  And what the hell is he thinking when he picks up a little zip lock bag of coins and stands and stares at it for five minutes?  Ahhhhhhh....I can’t handle it...let me out of here!!!

I was in the midst of looking at yesterday’s pics, when a deep voice addressed me.  It was the Captain, apologizing to me for interrupting me, but had heard I was from Vancouver and wanted to know how we were enjoying the cruise.  WTH??!!  The Captain....that just goes to show how unusual it is to have anyone other than Brits on this ship.  We chatted for a while and about two minutes after he left the head purser (hotel manager I found out) Kathy came over.  She introduced herself and we had a lovely chat, all the while the awesome cruise director who orchestrated this whole meeting, was jumping up and down behind her, clapping his hands and sooo excited.  Hahaha!  So cute!  I leaned around her and thanked him!  It turns out that Kathy grew up in North Vancouver right near us!   She has been at sea for 20 years now.  Her sister lives in Parksville!  

The other day about noon we came back to our room for a while.  Bill immediately disappeared into the loo...as he always does and he was in there forever.  After a long time, he came out and says the toilet, yet again, is not flushing...no water.  Now, when this happens, I immediately phone down to reception.  Yes, they will send a plumber.

One hour later he arrives.  In he goes, then out to the hallway, in again to the loo, out to the hallway and suddenly we hear flush flush flush!!  Yay!!  After a while he comes back to us and tells us its all fixed.

So, having been waiting some time, I head in there....and stepped, in my bare feet, right into a flooded bathroom...a brown smelly flood.  Ewwwwww!!  He left it like that!!  I couldn’t believe it!  So I grabbed the towels and threw them down on the floor, sopped the crap up and threw them into the shower.  What the hell???

Today, once again, the toilet won’t flush, no water.  Once again I phoned down to reception and once again, I was told they would send a plumber.  And yet again he left a horrible mess.  But this time I knew our stateroom girl was in the hall.  So I went and got her and asked if she would clean it.  She did.

Well its bedtime...this has been a most boring post, sorry folks.  Tomorrow we get off on a greek island by tender.  The Island is called Lesvos and yes, the tour guide guy, in a lecture about the island, basically told us that this island is famous for ancient lesbians.  I mean lesbians from days of yore, not old ones now.  Although apparently there are  old ones now there too and they are all the tour guides that we will have.  I love it!  It seems there are a few homophobic people on this boat because that lecture sure got them all to twittering!  So funny!  I shall report back tomorrow night and let you know if I ‘spot’ one!  Hahaha....ttyl

DAY 15...ISTANBUL

I’m tired, my horse is tired...as the saying goes.  We left the ship this morning around ten and met up with yet another amazing couple and shared a taxi with them to the Grand Bazaar.

Before we stepped through (actually pushed by a thousand people all going somewhere) the north gate into the bazaar I pulled Bill aside and gave him a wee lecture.  I told him to not give in to any people selling things...don’t respond, no eye contact, just keep walking and for heaven’s sake don’t engage.  He is sooo bad at just walking on and saying no firmly, just once.  I am really good at being firm, polite and very finite at saying no.

So lecture done, in we went.  The place is phenomenal.  If you want it, you can find it there.  Bill even found a cane.  They sell everything from pepper grinders to spices to material, belly dancing costumes, dishes, carpets, linens, jewelry, glass ware, toys, turkish delight, soaps and on and on...and within those warrens and alleyways, there are 4,000 stalls, each with a lovely looking young Turkish man and an uncle or father, all hawking their wares, at high pressure.  We must have said no a thousand times in a thousand ways.  

We finally ended up in a restaurant in the middle of the bazaar and ate a delicious, very Turkish meal.  As we were to leave, the waiter asked if we were interested in anything...he could direct us.  I mistakenly mentioned maybe I might like some apple tea.  Before you could blink your eyes we were in a store, not big, sitting on a low couch, drinking apple tea, and looking at carpet after carpet being rolled out.  What???  How did this happen?  Bill was sort of sitting there blinking and I was trying to figure out how we got there and, more importantly, how were we going to get OUT of the place.

And then it happened.  Something I swore would never happen.  Not to me anyway.  Maybe Bill, but not me.  They rolled IT out.  The most beautiful incredible delicate iridescent silk rug.  It was so beautiful and I immediately saw it on my new purple room floor.  It would be perfect.  And then the next unbelievable thing happened.  “How Much??” I ask.  The moment I asked, the moment I looked him in the eye, I knew I was sunk.  Me.  This is what Bill does, not me.  I was horrified.  Totally horrified.

“Three thousand five hundred...” he calmly says.  “In New York it would be 25,000 thousand but here in Turkey where it is lovingly and carefully woven we can give you such good price.”  “No no no!” I say in shock.  “I have dogs and kids and mud..there is no way can I put a 3,000 dollar rug on our floor.”  I instantly stomped the lovely image of it in my purple room out of my brain.

“Okay just for you, just today, this just one time I make it 2500 dollars.  Oh, it hurts my heart, such a good price, this is art, this is an investment, you enjoy rest of your life!!”  “ No!  I just can’t afford that and I have no room and I do not want rugs in my house anymore. NO!!!”

Back and forth and back and forth, the whole time I am astounded at how this all happened!  This just does not happen to me!

After three cups of apple tea, and, what seemed a very very long forty minutes, I turned and pulled Bill up off the very low couch, put our backpacks on and hoisted a very very heavy  bag with handles with a very very beautiful EXPENSIVE rug in it up into my arms and we left that place.  There is just nothing more I can say.  TTYL

DAY 13&14 ODESSA AND AT SEA

It’s very early in the morning and I was just dreaming that two kids that I don’t even have were killed in a car crash and I was phoning everyone to tell them.  It was so completely traumatizing that I woke myself up and I am NOT going back to sleep.

We were in Odessa yesterday.  Even though Odessa is in the Ukraine, the tour guide told us that they are all Russian, think of themselves as Russian, speak Russian,  essentially they have nothing to do with the Ukraine..except take their money to do business.

So, that became obvious immediately.  It was very much like Vladivostok, and that is not a good thing.  It was funny how she was going on about how beautiful, and serene and lovely Odessa was whilst we were driving past derelict, graffitied old broken down buildings.  Parts of Odessa were quite lovely, but not very much.  And she droned on and on and on about the history, with a decided Russian slant..God! I thought she would never quit talking. 

At around lunchtime the tour info said we would be having refreshments.  Now, this tour was called ‘Odessa...with less walking’.  We did this one because of Bill.  Everything we saw was within a ten to 15 block radius.  There was another tour we didn’t take called “Odessa:  walking tour”.  Both groups did exactly the same thing, and it took the same time.  We ran into them at each stop we made, the only difference being that we had to heave ourselves in and out of buses and they didn’t.   Up and down narrow, steep impossible stairs.  Once back on the bus we would drive about 2 blocks, stop in the middle of extremely busy roads, get down the horrible stairs right smack into traffic, walk another two blocks and stand around with the other group and listen to our respective guides talk and talk and talk.  Ridiculous.

Anyway, it was time for refreshments.  So we all left the last site we were at, walked a couple of blocks, heaved ourselves yet again onto the bus, a long process because we had 12 stick people, three walkers, a wheel chair and three extraordinarily obese wheezy people, and drove two blocks...all to repeat the process!

We then walked and walked and walked until we came to a park with beautiful little restaurants with outdoor seating.  Right across the other side of the enormous park we finally came to the one we were aiming for, squeezed into whatever seating there was left due to the other group having already arrived a while ago.  And the refreshment?...a small coldish cup of coffee...that was it!  All that frigging work for a cup of coffee..and not a good one.

By now people were beginning to grumble.  And I will say this about the Brits, they can definitely grumble.  Its so funny..its almost worth having a bad excursion just to here the indignity, the outrage, the ‘I am going to have to speak to Captain about this’!

Oh well we were brought back to the ship fairly early in the day.  We could have gone back out there but Odessa, sadly, was just not worth it.  We did meet some more fabulous peeps from the ship though.  We are beginning to make some friends here now, people coming over and talking to us as we walk about.  And these lovely folks are all unique and different looking, not like the passengers on the ships back home, so I remember them and the conversations we had.  This is such a unique experience for me...normally I just hate everybody by now.

There is one thing though that we are not liking....and that is the food.  I haven’t said too much about it because I like the people so much.  But the food is horrendous.  We were giving the dinners a number you may recall, but we realized we were judging them against each other, not with food you get elsewhere.  Once we brought past cruises into the equation we knew that what we are getting here is rubbish.

One example:  They theme their dinners.  The other night it was British Fare.  This will mean mushy peas, chips, fish, steak and kidney pie, fish pie, roast potatoes, one currie, roast beef, yorkshire puddink (as they say) and three puddinks at the end.  Mmmmmm.....sounds good, smelled good, looked lovely...taste?  nothing.  How can they make food that looks amazing taste like nothing?  The rich dark gravy? bland and we had to add a bucket of salt.  The mashed potatoes?  no taste and we had to add a bucket of salt.  The chips?  awful and the salt wouldn’t stick to them so they stayed awful.  The steak and kidney pie?  no taste and the crust on top was gummy and not cooked.  The fish was soggy and dripped oil..not good oil either.  We tried the coleslaw and its limp and rubbery.

Every night we hope for the best but it just never happens.  Even breakfast isn’t good and I have completely stopped getting lunch.  Actually I think I have lost weight.  When we get to Istanbul I am going to find a McD’s and eat something predictable and good...yes, I LIKE Mcd’s, no apologies here.  

Now we are at sea.  It is still early and I think I might take my book up and get some breakfast.  They make really good dry brittle scraped toast and boiled eggs.  Not soft, hard as hell and ice cold but an egg is an egg..they can’t ruin that one!  I shall check back in here later.

Not much to report.  We sat and had coffee all morning with a couple we met the other day.  Love them!  He has parkinsons and its been a real learning curve talking with him and learning about that awful disease.  Its the same thing Michael J Fox has.

At one point during the morning I noticed Bill, yet again, has forgotten his hearing aids.  How is it he can do this, repeatedly?  It makes me mad because he can’t hear properly and when people try to visit with him (not me, I refuse to talk to him or even listen to him if he hasn’t got them on) its just painstakingly agonizing for the other person.

So, I said I would go get them for him.  I hopped on an extremely full elevator to go up (its ten floor so I wasn’t considering walking).  We went up a couple floors and it stopped, but as we were completely full we all commented that we would tell whoever it was there was no room.

The door slid open and there stood a smallish, 60 something, man wearing almost nothing.  He had no shirt, no shoes and a teeny weeny speedo (with no bumps I might add).  And....here’s the bad part...he was completely glistening from head to toe with a thick layer of oil.  In his hand he had a largish bottle of Extra Virgin Olive Oil...We were speechless, which was unfortunate because he started to wiggle into the crowd of us before we could say ‘no room’!!

Now, have you ever seen that commercial for Joy or Dawn dish soap...you know that one where you see a sink of water with a layer of oil scum over the top and when a drop of soap is dripped down, all the oil scatters away from that drop leaving a clear clean ring of water?  Well that is exactly what happened in that elevator.  Turns out it wasn’t as full as we thought!   As one, we sucked in and stepped back, instantly making  space around him where none of us came in contact with all that oil!   He then proceeded to give us a lecture on how EVOO is better for you than the chemically loaded suncreams.  One lady asked about actual protection and he says “oh yes!  you see the shininess of it reflects the rays”  I couldn’t stand it so I did something my mom told me a million times not to..I contradicted him.  “No it doesn’t.  It magnifies the sun’s rays and makes them a lot stronger.”  He gave me a baleful stare and said “reflect”..I said “magnify”  he said “reflect”  I said “magnify...to the power of infinity plus one!”  He stared at me and then started to laugh as was everyone else.  “Okay, I just tell all the blokes it reflects so they won’t lecture me.”  Jeez!!  What a greasy little tool!  I got off and walked the rest of the way.  

Another odd thing that happened is that the cruise director has taken a shine to me.  He is a very gay thirty something and I could just sit and listen to him all day long.  Thats probably why he likes me because he loves to talk.  Well today he finally asked if I was American.  No, I told him, Vancouver Canada.  He jumped up and down and clapped his hands and squealed and asked “have you met Kathy the head purser?’  “why no I haven’t” I replied.  (I don’t even know what a purser is frankly).

He proceeded to tell me that she was from Vancouver and her whole family was here on this trip and their last name is MacKinley?  you know them?  they are from Vancouver.  Seriously!  I don’t think he realizes that amongst the 1.5 million people in Vancouver it would be the height of bizarre if I actually knew them!  But he took our room number and he is going to put us in touch with each other.  

As this cruise goes on it has become abundantly clear that all of these people don’t cruise on anything but P&O and getting any one from anywhere but Britain is extremely unusual.  It has actually caused us to be somewhat sought out by people.  We are never without people coming to sit with us and want to know where we are from and how the heck did we end up on this cruise!!!  And...they are really really curious about how this ship compares with its American counterparts.  I have to be very diplomatic and tell the truth as much as possible.  I usually just talk about how much we love the people...makes them proud and happy and that part is the total truth.

  So I shall post this now, this day isn’t over yet and if anything momentous happens I shall put on an extra leg.  I now have to do some research on Istanbul...apparently there are NO bathrooms!  Anywhere...panic!!  So I now have to find out where the McD’s is and launch all our activities from there!  TTYL

DAY 12....YALTA

Firstly, lets get where we are out of the way.  We completely crossed the Black Sea to the north shore on the southern most tip of the Ukraine.  This little city, Yalta, is a health mecca...apparently the air cures all manner of things.  Yalta isn’t very big and as is very much the norm for this part of the world, very run down and quite poor.  The town is in a very pretty setting between the sea and the mountains..and fall is just starting so there was a little colour in some of the trees.

We drove 70 kilometres to Sevastapol, a Russian/Ukraine naval base, then to Balaklava, where the Charge of the Light Brigade took place.  Then down into the town to lunch and a tour of an underground, tunnelled submarine repair place.

I don’t know but I have found this area both charming and weird.  The people are not friendly and speak not a single word of english..not even WC or toilet or bathroom or loo.  Speaking of which....

We had been to see a museum and then the war fields and had an amazingly delicious lunch (salmon and veg...delicious) and now it was time to go into the tunnels.

The tour was to be one hour long.  So off  we went.  This tour took us waaaaaaay underground and into a mountain.  We got about 1/4 of the way in when, most inconveniently I was struck with ‘la tourista’.  Obviously there were no loo’s way in there.  As a few minutes passed it became very clear to me that there was no way was I going to be able to make it to the end of the tour...in fact I was going to have motor out of there as fast as this fat little person could go.  I told Bill, then took off like a bullet, hopefully in the right direction.

Every so often I would come across a dense group of people on tour and I would have to daintily, quietly as possible, wiggle and duck and push my way through, desperately clenching the whole time.  As I was barrelling along as fast as possible I was actually spying dark corners and hidden spots that I could slip into if need be!  Jeez, its amazing how you lose inhibitions when you are desperate!

I ran and ran and ran, doubled over on occasion thinking, “well this is it, I am not going to make it, Bill and Brian will never let me live this one down, wahhhhhh!!”  

After what seemed an eternity I finally shot out into daylight, not sure exactly where I was...it certainly wasn’t where we entered.  I headed towards people and did discover the buses parked nearby.  And I spied a WC sign...which basically led nowhere that even remotely looked like a loo.

So I dashed over (I say so easily) to my bus driver and asked “WC?”  Huh, shrug, shake of head.  Clearly he didn’t understand me.  So I elaborated, “toilet? washroom? bathroom?”  Shrug shrug, finally in desperation I mimed pulling down my pants, squatted, and screwed up my face and grunted loudly...he finally understood!  He pointed me to an unlikely corrugated iron building and blessed be! there were two portable loos.  I dashed over and they were freaking locked...with padlocks.  I dashed around to the doors on the little building and a woman indicated that I had to pay.  I didn’t have any money.  None.

I must have looked totally frantic because she just grabbed the keys and took me around and unlocked the door, in the very nick of time I tell you.  This portapotty was filthy, urine smelling, sticky and gross and the most wonderful thing I have ever seen...ever!  I have a dear friend I met on a trip to China...and he could tell you about a mad dash to a bathroom story of mine that happened at the forbidden city!  One of my most memorable memories of that trip Dean!!!

While we were eating an awesome delicious lunch in a local restaurant (with three other busloads) a vicious very nasty lightening storm with torrential rain hit.  The lightening was forking down and hitting the other side of the street and the rain almost collapsed the awning on the deck.  It was quite exciting...and a very short storm.

On our way home later, though, driving down the 70 kilometre coastal highway we were stopped behind a line of vehicles.  Apparently a slide caused by that little rotten storm, had closed the road, the only road I might add, and we were stuck there until it was cleared.  And this is the first time ever in the history of our cruising we were actually late getting back to the ship.  We had to wait quite a long time there but, and I am going to start sounding like a broken record here, but the Brits are truly the most fun people we have ever been with.  No matter who you end up sitting with at lunch or dinner, you have a truly fun and enjoyable time.  And whilst we sat there on that highway we all were laughing til our sides were splitting!  Those old Brit dudes are sooooo funny!!!  We had so much fun.  Okay this is long enough. TTYL

DAY 10 & 11....KUSADASI AND AT SEA

Groan, whine, cough...I am sick.  What a pain in the patoot...I have coughed up more lungs than I knew I owned.  In fact I think I have whooping cough.  And my nose is alternately running and plugging, my eyes are all wonky and running too...and I feel like shit.  Okay, now that the whining is out of the way...and if this post is weird its because Mr. Medicine Bag has been giving me these pills that his Dr. gave him that supposedly calm a cough, the name ends in coden and they expired in 2009.  All I know is I am still coughing crazily and I am very very very relaxed and not quite right in the head.

We spent the day yesterday tromping all over three different roman ruins.  It was like 500 degrees out and today I see I am very brown faced...except for where my glasses are..racoon faced as they say.  And seriously if I hear one more roman history fact I am going to gouge my ears out.  I don’t care any more.  Do you know who Thales was?  Does anybody?  And who actually cares?  NOT ME...not anymore.  At least not in forty degree heat when I feel sick and had to constantly check where Bill was and hang on to him to make sure he didn’t fall down.  He can’t walk very well anymore and especially on rough rocks and slippery marble.  We had to climb a lot of very uneven stairs too...and I was his human cane...he forgot his real one at home..silly man.

I don’t really mean that I don’t care about what we saw.  We were in Ephesus, where we have been twice before.  Ephesus is a truly phenomenal ruin...probably the most amazing in the world.  But I won’t go into it here..if you really want to know stuff, google it!  One fact though..Cleopatra walked that very same marble road that we were walking on.

I have the cruise radio playing.  They just played a piece by Bjork (who listens to her anyway?) and I was thinking,”Jeez this is totally awful!” when following that they played a nauseous Taylor Swift poor me song.  Oh God...it did get worse.   This is doing things to my psyche..Now its Meatloaf.

We are at sea today..thank goodness.  We are floating up the Bosphorus on our way to the Black Sea.  All the old peeps out there on this boat are all atwitter and planning where they are going to stand as we go past something..not sure what...maybe Istanbul, I don’t know.  I can’t ask Bill..he doesn’t know anything anymore.  All he seems to do now is sleep anyway.

Well, it is now much later in the day, we have popped out into the Black Sea and I know a whole lot more about the Bosphorus.

 Asia and Europe are separated by a narrow strait...the narrowest in the world, about 30 miles long.  To navigate from the Sea of Miramar into the Black Sea, one must embark a pilot who takes you through, right through the middle of Istanbul, from one sea to the other.  It was actually kind of interesting and I understand why people got excited.  We are now on our way to Yalta.

Susan Boyle....you all know who she is?  And if you thought she was a one of a kind...you would be wrong.  I can’t believe how many women on this boat look Susan Boyleish.  These women seem so out of this world in clothes that just have to be home made, home done haircuts, rolled ankle socks in stout serviceable sturdy shoes and a kind of naive bumbleness that makes you wonder how they even know about cruising, never mind how to go about it.  One thing about all these women, they make me feel okay about my hair...I don’t think I have seen such en masse awful crazy hair dos.  I fit right in I do!  And for the first time, I think in ever, not one person has commented to me on my hair!  This is awesome...I really do fit in and don’t look like a freak or conversely, one of many.  And, I am one of the skinny ones on this trip!  Ha!!  Go figure! Not to mention the youngest.

Oh God I gotta stop talking.  Time to put ‘er down.  I shall be back tomorrow after an eight hour trip in Yalta, I am sure chockablock full of history facts..argggghhh.  So if I am alive TTYL

DAY 9 ...AT SEA

At least half the time we have no water in our bathroom.  You will flush the toilet and nothing happens.  Nothing.  And so you walk away and twenty minutes later, after you have completely forgotten, it flushes, scaring the crap out of you.  Many times there is no water in the tap or shower too.

My theory is that they have crammed sooooo many people onto these ships, the water system can’t keep up.  This happened on the last ship we were on too.  There are times you do NOT want the toilet to not flush..especially if you are travelling with Bill.  Speaking of which.....

I won’t be reading this to him....I think our foreign travels must come to an end.  I am finding he just isn’t truly up to it.  The heat, the walking, the getting on and off the bus, the no bathroom at every corner...it makes it really hard for him.  What makes it even worse is that most people think he is only in his late 60’s/early 70’s so when he behaves like an 80 yr old should, people get confused.

This morning I slept about an hour past him.  I sleep with the duvet all bunched  and over top of my head, my legs sticking out.  Well, this morning I woke up, threw the blanket on the floor (its so hot here right now) and was sitting all bleary eyed with my legs sticking straight out along the top of the bed.  Finally I put my glasses on and looked around and I noticed about five super shiny spots here and there on my legs.  Upon closer inspection I saw that each shiny spot had a little red scab under the shine....previous bumps and insect bites...What the hell?  

So I leaned over and looked closer and kind of freaked out.  My wounds were leaking oily substance!!!  What was happening?  And just as I was about to panic, Bill strolls around the corner from the loo and asks, “Did you feel me putting polysporin on your legs?”  What?????  HE POLYSPORINED ME IN MY SLEEP!!!  I felt violated...I refuse to use that crap...its just bogus anyway.  He polys everything...and I mean everything...even up his nose.  I couldn’t believe he did that.  Some things just shouldn’t happen whilst you sleep, being polyed is one of them.

When April, Bill and I went to Paris in May, I packed all my shorts and tanks and gay capris.  And at the very last moment, on a whim because I had room and it was there, I threw in a light rain jacket.

Well, it rained and rained, every single day of the fifteen we were there....and it was really cold.  I had no jeans, no warm jacket, nothing suitable.  It was by pure last moment whim I actually had a not so adequate jacket...and I froze.

Now, on this trip I packed my jeans, leggings, warm shirts and two, not one, but two coats....and it is right at this moment 31 degrees out and tomorrow in Kusadasi it is supposed to reach 40.  I have no shorts or cool clothes.  I will for sure die.  Our next (and last if I have any say in it) cruise is in February/March through Japan.  I shall do my research and get it right this time.

So now its evening, back in our room.  Our dinner theme tonight was tandori and we  both gave it a five.  We met some more lovely people today...a wonderful couple from North Ireland.  Quite quite old but so dear.  We had a wonderful conversation with them.

You know,there is a lot we don’t like about this ship...some of the crap that goes on here is awful.  Normally I don’t shy away from whining ungratefully about anything...but I like the dear old people on this ship so much, and they are all so happy with the whole lot, I find I haven’t the heart to whinge.  Achhh aye...I’m getting soft in me old age.  I am sure I will build up to it.

Anywhooo, for now I shall sign off.  Kusadasi Turkey tomorrow...somewhat close to Syria I might add, maybe we will have a REAL adventure, not just some miserable oil barge!  I do know it is going to be hot and I shall be sitting in a hot sweaty bus in JEANS...what a dumbball I am.  TTYL

DAY 8...MALTA

We almost didn’t get out of Malta.  I will explain later.  But if we had been shanghaied and made to stay, I can’t think of a more interesting place to be held captive.

Without a doubt the entrance to this cruise stop was the most fantastic we have ever seen.  The ramparts, clay walls, forts, houses etched out of the clay....amazing.

I must have taken a thousand pics.  The water is a beautiful azure blue mixed with aqua marine.  And it was fekking (another awesome Brit word I have picked up) hot.

We were on an excursion that visited three different areas of Malta and at each we were given one hour free time.  We stopped at little cafes along the way and had beer and baguette and did a little shopping and sat in cool breezes in tree shaded squares and watched the Maltese wander by doing their Saturday shopping.

Malta is much much more ... old and almost Arabic looking.  I was surprised.  Plus, it is obviously a mecca for resort seekers.  Tourism is their number one income.  I can see why!

We got back to our ship around two and we were due to leave at three.  I love getting back to the stateroom, hot and dirty and tired and sweaty...and you walk into a pristinely cleaned room, airconditioned down to a cool 65 degrees,  cold diet coke in the tiny fridge ..Mmmmmm....nothing better.  

Right below the port (our) side was a very large oil barge, still bunkering fuel, supposedly.  I had noticed it at our ship earlier in the day and made mention to Bill that that was the slowest fuel up I have seen on a ship yet.

We were due to leave at 3 and we simply didn’t leave.  Twice the Captain came on the blower apologizing for the delay but promised we would be leaving soon.  We didn’t leave.

At one point he blew the ship’s whistle...one very long blow.  Now we were puzzled.  Pretty soon he came back on and said that we were fueled up, the paper work done..but they were trying to get the barge to move off the ship (it was tied to our ship at this point).  For whatever reason, not told to us, it wouldn’t go.

Pretty soon an hour had gone by.  I heard a boat and went out on the deck and saw the pilot boat (which had already dispersed the pilot on board and was floating around waiting for us to leave) pull up to the barge, and the pilot boat driver hopped out and went over to the  bridge of the barge and started yelling and swearing and waving his arms around. Then he pulled away and floated around some more.

Next a person came out of the barge bridge, went over to our ship edge (I couldn’t see who it was on our ship) and started to yell.  And he was ANGRY!!!  This went on forever!  Back and forth and more yelling.  Now it was almost five oclock.

I don’t know what happened but the barge finally pulled in its ropes, very very slowly, and even more slowly pulled away.  We finally got away almost two hours late.  No explanation from the captain.  Bill thinks P&O haven’t paid their bills!  Could be...who knows!

Our dinner tonight was a 61/2 from Bill and a 7 from me.  Good lasagna and fish tonight but crappy salad a potatoes.

Tomorrow is an at sea day.  Hair washing.  Done by myself thank you very much.  Damn Oooooissshhh!  I am going to complain about him...but in the Canadian way.  I won’t complain until we get off the ship.  Haha  TTYL

DAY 7...STIIIIIIILLLLLL AT SEA

When we are watching English telly, there are many many shows on the obesity problem in Britain.  When you listen to the news, there are many little reports on the obesity problem.  And now that we are on a ship with 3000 plus Brits, I do see what they are talking about.

On the American ships I am one of the very few obese people.  On the whole, there are very few unfit unhealthy people that cruise those ships.  We have seen a huge change in the last six seven years, and I must say that its quite something to see hundreds of older folks, all fit as fiddles, going to the ship gym, swimming laps and running round the promenade deck.  (there are still lots of old tan panted men that vacantly stand in the middle of the path, blocking everyone though!)

Not on this one.  We have not seen one person even walking the decks let alone running.  I peeped into the gym area the two times I have been up there and it was virtually empty.  On american ships there is a line up out the door waiting for the machines.

  The little paper with the activities for each day doesn’t mention any activity involving moving.  And this ship is covered with scooters, wheelchairs, walkers, canes and the odd sedgeway (tools).  This lovely crowd is so utterly different than their american/canadian/australian counterparts.  This crowd is ‘old’, not the spry skinny kind like at home but the soft, gushy, giant tummy type.  

Today Bill and I both discovered a not so good something.  It kind of fits in with the obesity thing.

  After our sit down in the cafe, we came up to the buffet area around 2 for lunch.  We totally skip breakfast now.  We got our lunch and sat at a table and ate.  I suggested to Bill that we just stay at this table for a while post lunch and the crowd had totally thinned out.  The crew had closed the lunch buffet counter by 2:30.

At three oclock, a sudden herd of determined people came rushing into this dining area and started to grab seats.  This totally perplexed us.  What the heck was going on?  Then we noticed that the buffet food area was open again.  A couple came and sat with us and I asked them what was happening.  And do you know what it was?  We couldn’t believe it!  High tea!!!  Another meal!!  A fourth meal thrown into the mix!!!

  When we went and looked there were hundreds of wee sandwiches, scones, jam, thick cream, fruit cakes, sweets, hot food,  fruit, (no salad) and on and on!!  They close that down at five  apparently and at six it all opens again with a full hot dinner.  You just CANNOT eat that much.  I eat a reasonable lunch, a tiny dinner and I am so full I don’t miss breakfast.  And we see the same people over and over eating all the meals.  Crazy!

Another anomaly we have noticed.  They love grease.  If you eat their fry bread at breakfast, you can take a bite, hold it in your mouth, give an almighty suck in and you can get about a tablespoon of straight fat out that one bite.  They deep fry everything, and not the good crispy tempuraesque type of deep fry.  Its the soggy dripping with fat kind. 

 At every single meal they have trays of potatoes that have been peeled, cut in half then deep fried. Plus they have the standard chips.  At lunch and dinner they serve at least four out of the eight dishes deep fried...fritters, battered everything, even their rotis...deep fried, not nice and flat and dry and tasty like the ones Cookie makes.  I had a triangle hash brown the first morning and it had so much grease in it I couldn’t eat it...and I can pretty much eat anything that isn’t rice pudding.  

Another food difference is no rice and no fruit, or at least not much fruit.  The fruit they serve is for a dessert option, a little bowl of cut up fruit with ‘pouring cream’ to add to it.  On the ships at home you get a lot of rice served in various forms.  No rice here.  Just soggy greasy deep fried potatoes done ten ways!

And seeing as how I am being negative right now, a wee word about the staff.  They are horrible.  They don’t smile, they don’t work very hard, they are incredibly unfriendly, very disorganized.  And they are just totally inferior to the Filipino and Indonesian crews we are used to.  These guys don’t even do half the work that the Filipino/Indonesian crews do.  They don’t serve drinks, they do not help you find tables, they barely clean your dishes off, even when asked.  Oh well, will save us money on the tipping.

Enough moaning and groaning!  We are in Malta tomorrow...none too soon I say!  We have a really loooong shore excursion tomorrow, covers most of Malta.  So I shall report tomorrow night!  TTYL

DAY 6...STILL AT SEA....

We were sitting down in the cafe when a couple of truly British couples came and sat with us.  They were discussing the great wind on deck and the slightly pesky weather.  I kid you not,the conversation went like this.....

‘Aye, ye were on top deck then were ye luv?’

‘Oh yaays, its a bit breezy on the prom (promenade deck)  in’t it then?’

‘Up top a chap had towel aboot him and  cardy (sweater) aboot his neck like and I got to thinking....a bit desperate don’t you think?  Whats thee point you have to ask.’

I just LOVE it!!  We take a seat down there and people come and people go and they all talk to us.  I could just listen to their accents and stories all day long!  One couple today told us about their trip around Morocco several years ago.  They met another couple that lived not too far from them back home.  They went out for a last dinner at the end.  Two of them shared a paiella (sp?) and the other fellow wanted to share a chicken with the lady we were talking with.  She declined, she was just not very hungry and felt the place a bit dodgey.  They arrived home two days later and the lady they had dinner with phoned our lady at her work.  She said that her husband, the one who ate chicken, got the salmonella  and DIED!!!!  Holy crap!!!  Its amazing all the little stories one hears.

Dinner tonight was ‘Mediterranean’.  Deep fried everything.  Calamari, deep fried veg, deep fried mushroom, caesar salad, deep fried sardines (blahhhh, full of bones, I mean its a bit desperate don’t you think?) rice pudding, pana cotta, chocolate something or other.  Bill gave it a 5 and I gave it a 3.

The couple that told us about the Mateus Rose wine sat at a table ahead of us.  He is wheelchair bound.  So, they put their water at the table and had just left it to go get their food when along came another severe looking couple and tried to sit at that table.  Holy dinah!!!  Wheelchair guy brusquely hollered that that was their table.  Severe guy yells back that you aren’t allowed to reserve tables.  Wheelchair guy says “I’m allowed to go get food aren’t I?”  Severe guy yells even louder, “You go one at a time then!”  Meanwhile wheelchair guy has gotten even further away and is really yelling now.  He is saying “thats our table and you just better not be there when we get back”  Severe guy yells even LOUDER,  “We will sit here if we jolly well want to!”  Finally severe couple take a table beside the wheelchair guys table.  All to sit by a window...keep in mind that we are AT SEA.  All you can see is sea...everywhere sea!!  There is NOTHING to see but sea...yet they still fight over window tables.  Sooooo silly!

Another day at sea tomorrow.  I think peeps will be getting even edgier so we will have to go downstairs and collect more stories.  I need to sign off here and go give Bill a good boot in the arse. 

 He is sneakily trying to go to bed.  Its only twenty after eight.  I mean come on...reminds me of all those old people you see in rest homes.  Trouble is when he goes to bed that early he wakes up really really early...then he starts sneezing, harrumping, coughing, clipping, lotioning his feet which means the chair loudly squeaks as he tries to reach his feet (which he can’t), drops the coffee spoon on the saucer...all of which he can’t hear because he is DEAF!!!!!  

So now I am NOT letting him go to bed before ten.  This just totally reminds me of keeping the babies awake to break their afternoon nap habit.  Yup, I just looked.  He is slowly sliding up the bed to where his gasper (cpap) is and...there it is...he is putting it on.

  Gotta go and get right bossy with him.  Hahaha...(cruising isn’t always what its cracked up to be...)  I am pretty sure I can distract him by handing him his bag of lotions and potions and tell him he has some suspicious wounds on the back of his leg which is out of his sight.  It will take him a while to sort of find them and get the right ointments.  Then I will tell him his toenails are looking a little fungusy and he will get his ointment for that and that will take him another half hour.  He should be good for bed then!  ( before you all think I am mean...remember I always read these to him before I post!!!)  TTYL

DAY 5....AT SEA

At sea days are kind of funny.  They can be exceptionally good, or horribly bad...depending on your choices. 

We got a pretty late start, I slept until almost ten this morning.  There was no point in going up for breakfast so instead we headed down to the cafe at the bottom of the atrium.  We found a good spot and immediately the fellow next to us started to guess where we were from by our accents.  So far everyone has guessed correctly.  These people are experts at detecting locations just by accent.  And of course that led to a wonderful hour or two of conversation.  I am learning a lot on this trip.  Everyone has had such diverse stories and lives.  This fellow was a ship building inspector, retired now, but we learned so much about what goes into ship building.  And he delivered it in such a way as to make it really interesting.

At lunch we sat with a lovely dear old couple from Wales.  Oh if only I had the courage to ask people if I could photograph them.  The old fellow was about the sweetest old guy, tiny and frail and ancient.  His ears stuck out and so did his sparse hair and he was sporting some pretty modern nifty thick square specs. 

 He wasn’t feeling well so he had only picked up a wee dessert, it was sitting right in front of him.  The dessert was a cream puff, with a quite distinct elegant swan sitting atop and steadfastly directly staring at him.  He didn’t eat it for quite some time and so there he sat, so dignified and still, with this swan staring up at him.  It would have been a wonderful picture, but I just didn’t get the courage up to ask him.  

From there we headed back down to the cafe and settled in for an afternoon of reading.  At one point Bill disappeared to go and look out the windows at Tangier on one side and Gibralter on the other.  A few moments after he left, I suddenly felt someone, from behind, grab my poof and start tugging and twirling it accompanied by loud exclamations.  Then, as I was about to roundhouse an obviously crazy person, I recognized the flamboyant lilting voice of the dreaded hairdresser.

“Oh mine Gott!!!  You did NOT leave zeee oil in for lonk enufff!! Oooooeeeesh (his name somehow) can tell zeeees yust by taaachhh (touch, I think)!  Vat you doo?  You not doink vat Ooooeeesh zes!!  Naughty naughty!!!”

What the F???  LEAVE ME ALONE!!!  I swung my head around and tried, to defend myself and failed miserably.  I told him I was coming back to him in a day or two but NO OIL!!!  I just wanted a hairwash!  No no no!! he responded!  He continued on about how much I needed the oil treatment and said he would refuse to wash my hair.  So I told him I would do my own oil treatment, (after all he DID bully me into buying a damned bottle and I’m not saying how much it was) and then come for a hair wash.  “Not before zeee evenink!  You put zee oil in zeee crispy dried hair in mornink and I zee you in zee evening!  Ooooeeesh vill know!!”  Oh jeez!!!  I tried to explain how I couldn’t spend all day with oil slicked hair, making it impossible to go anywhere, but he wouldn’t listen and being the bully he is, I gave up and he won.  I won’t be going back to him and now I am going to have to spend the trip not only hiding from him, but washing my own hair...which is a nightmare in this teeny tiny shower.  He is simply terrifying!

Now it is nearly supper time.  I have to change.  One MUST change before dinner, even for the lido upstairs.  Tonight is east indian night.  I believe it will be good as the whole crew on this ship is from Goa!  We are looking forward to a dinner that will score higher than a 3 or 5  LOL!!!  I will report back here before I post this!

Dinner was a delicious Indian feast.  Mmmmm...I gave it a 7 and Bill gave it an 8.  We managed to stay alone and free of people, which was a nice break.  It gets tiring being “on” for too much of the day.

Now for an evening of reading and awful tv.  This cruise line could learn a thing or two from their American partners.  There is a stage show tonight we could go to, put on by a pickpocket comedian.  He apparently goes out into the audience, picks people to go up on stage and then screws with them....Bill’s ultimate nightmare..the big baby!  So we shant be going to that.  Whilst it would be fun, I think we won’t.  (Note the English words creeping into my writing???haha...when in Rome!!!)  TTYL

DAY FOUR...LISBON

A very disappointing day I must say.  I kind of had previous trips in mind.  Lisbon offers some amazing photo opportunities if you go to the right places.

I suggested to Bill that we get a taxi right from the ship and have it drive us way up to the Casa du George on top of Lisbon.  You then walk down to the port through the Alfama...the old cobble stoned narrow streets of old town.  As we got off the ship, Bill says, “Lets get the hop on hop off first.”  Well, there isn’t time to do both.  Walking down is an all day thing.  So we caught the shuttle bus into the city centre and the hop on hop off was right there and he really wanted to go.  After a ridiculous wait for the right colour bus, it arrives and the top is completely full, as is all the rest that show up.  We had no choice but to cram into the lower part and it must have been 300 degrees in there.  I thought I was going to die.  

And, as we soon saw, we couldn’t see anything and the headphones didn’t work and it just ended up being a very expensive 3 hour bust.  By the time we got off we all were on the verge of heat collapse and pretty ticked off.  One fellow was going to go and try to get his money back.  Yeah, good luck with that.

The only amusing thing that happened was the couple behind us....fighting!  They were a really nice couple about fifty years old or so with her mother.  And apparently, nobody had listened to the younger woman, nobody!, and as a result they were wasting their time and money on this ridiculous bus.  If people just paid her more attention they would be having a so much better time blah blah blah...he finally quit trying to defend himself and just sat there whilst she went on and on and on.  I wanted to tape her...I should have!

After we got off the bus we headed up the busy square and found a trattatoria type restaurant under sun umbrellas and proceeded to have a weird lunch with great big cold beers.  A lovely couple, yet again from Yorkshire, sat with us and we spent a happy hour chatting with them.  They had been to BC years ago and retold the whole trip to us...and he was fascinatingly funny!  I gotta say, the best part of this trip are the people...they are amazing and we have met so many people and they are just easy easy.   We love it.

I can see we made the right decision to not go up the hill.  I truly don’t think Bill could have done it.  I keep forgetting his limitations and I think the hop on hop off was his way of putting a limit on what we were to do.  I am glad I thought of that before I let fly with a lot of being mad at changing the plan and whining about the awful bus trip.  He probably felt bad enough as it was.

We caught the shuttle bus back to the ship (I say so easily).  It was so hot out today and it just sucks you dry.  We dragged our sorry asses up to our room and just simply flaked out til cast off.  We watched ourselves leave, taking lots of pics.  The ocean was full of jelly fish..it was nuts!  Even though the lighting wasn’t great we took pics of Lisbon from the water.

We headed up for dinner..which was supposed to be “country/western” night.  Hahaha...these people have no idea whatsoever how to make ‘western’ food.  The fajita beef was way sweet, the chili was curried with extra cumin, the baked beans were watery and sad, the hot dogs had no buns, it was not a good meal.  Bill and I are doing something each night.  We think about the meal after eating it, then at the same time we give it a number out of ten.  He gave it a five and I gave it a three.  Awful meal.  Now we have four days at sea.  Four.  Oh God!  These posts are going to be pretty boring and short.  I will have to grab my camera and go out hunting for trouble.  I will see what I can come up with!!  TTYL

DAY 3....2ND FULL DAY AT SEA

I forgot to mention that, given the size of the shower, I instantly made an appointment for yesterday morning to have that frangipani hair oil treatment, scalp massage and washing.  Same thing I aways get.  I come back to the stateroom and mousse and dry it. 

 Well, I got up there, completely at the other end of the ship (a lot of people to pass with my hair brushed out and sticking twenty feet in the air, people look, nano second eye contact then quickly look away, some trying not to laugh, others looking like they just saw a crazy person, really embarrassing) and was met by the most intimidating hair dresser I have ever met.  He was very flamboyant, talkative, and extremely firm about what was about to happen. 

 He doused my dry hair with the oil, proceeded to massage the hell out of my head.   After 30 minutes of hair ripping, scalp pounding, and endless amusing stories about ungrateful boyfriends, he informs me, in such a manner that brooks no argument that I must now leave that slimy crap in my hair all day as my hair is very  very dry.  He then proceeds to twist my hair so tight my eyes slanted, tucked it into a donut bun, stabbed pins so firmly into it (only three) that I couldn’t get them out later, and says Voila!!  I was horrified.  I looked like every super ugly fat relative I have ever had, times a hundred, oil slicking down my face, pin head..which instantly makes you look even huger..AND..no hair wash!  What the hell????  And like a timid meek little mouse I squeaked out an “Okay”  and payed and left!!!  So not only did I have to head back down the length of the boat, wending my way through people, looking like an almost headless fat seal, but feeling totally whipped!  Me!!  Whipped...this is NOT a familiar feeling for me.  AND then as soon as I got into the room I had to get into that ridiculous little shower, go through two bottles of their shampoo and try to wash the crap out of my hair.  So, at least an hour later, the bathroom in a shambles, shower curtain suctioned to my legs, blinded by oil...I finally got my hair washed.   Serves me right for being such a ninny. 

 I will be going back next week, and I will be taking charge...no frigging oil and he will damn well wash my hair.  No massage, no treatment, no stupid little donut bun, just washed and rinsed hair.  And I am going to complain about Bill the whole time he is doing just exactly what I want!

On another note, in the daily schedule they hand out every day, there is a daily section that reads like this:

TONIGHT’S DRESS CODE:

Smart, Jacket required

Smart shirt and trousers with

a jacket for gentlemen, smart

separates or an elegant dress 

for ladies.

Seriously?  Elegant?  Would it make a difference?  And trust me...they enforce...with force.  I am beginning to think that cruising with predominantly a British crowd is like a giant step back in the world of cruising.  You change for dinner, you ballroom dance and you most definitely have a drink before, during and after dinner.  “sigh”  we just don’t fit in.  Awkward!

I am compelled to say, near the end of the second full day on this boat, that the people on this cruise are amazing.  They are so friendly, non judgemental, not shy, generous with their info about themselves, totally interested in who we are....it has been without a doubt the most friendly trip we have ever had.  And so far, we are the only couple not from Britain.  Each couple we have visited with has confirmed that!  There is not one ethnic person on this whole boat.  Not one, other than the staff.

And that brings up another observation.  We are used to Indonesian and Filipino crew..whom we love.  They are sooo hard working and friendly and I am now facebook friends with a lot of them.  On this cruise they are predominantly from Goa and trust me...they ain’t friendly!  And...they aren’t very helpful either.  They aren’t outright rude like the Eastern European crew members on other trips, but they darn near are.  I have given up smiling at them and saying please and thank you.  Gotta earn that just a little.

Tonite is Asian buffet night.  Wish I was hungry, but I am not.  Too much fish pie at lunch!  Tomorrow is Lisbon.  We didn’t book a shore excursion.  I want to catch the #28 tram up to the top of the Alfama area and walk down.  And...its supposed to be 30 degrees...aaarghhh I shall die!  TTYL

DAY TWO AT SEA

It’s the middle of the night and we are wide awake and starving.  Jeez!!  The people in the next stateroom had one dilly of a fight a little while ago.  They were slamming things around, bashing on the wall, yelling and screaming at each other.  We sleep with our balcony door open a few inches to let in fresh air, but the fighting neighbours smoke, and smoking is allowed on the balconies on this ship.  So, a few minutes after things quieted down the smell of smoke comes wafting in through the door.  I can’t believe they allow smoking on the balconies...they don’t on any other ship we have ever been on.

There are a number of differences on this one I have noticed.  I think we are the only couple that isn’t British.  Last night we went downstairs to the large atrium area where reception is to ask one more time about Bill’s missing bag.  We decided to sit down there and have a cappucino.  On our way there, passing various night clubby type venues, we noticed that everywhere there was music, couples were ballroom type dancing.  You hardly ever see that on the other ships.  It was weird to watch these old couples, some of them barely able to hobble over to the dance floor, suddenly become graceful and ...well just different...when they hit the floor.  And hundreds of couples were dancing.  I think it must be a lost art at home...I have never seen anything like it!  They all looked like they just got out of dancing school.  And they took it soooo seriously!

When we got back to the room and we were just getting into bed the phone rang...it was front desk letting us know they found Bill’s missing suitcase..thank goodness!!  So no dirty short shorts at the formal table tonight!

The internet on this ship totally sucks.  Totally.  It won’t let me load even one measly picture and after I get on within five minutes nothing is opening or loading.  So annoying.  And I see they have review sheets for ‘during’ cruise opinions...I shall be giving mine...what a waste of money.

I hate to admit it, seeing as how I don’t like people, but we have been meeting the most amazing people.  They are all Brits and they are all old to older, and they are the sweetest kindest most honest people you could ever meet.

  Tonight Bill and I were sitting across from a couple from Yorkshire.  They ordered a wine I hadn’t heard of before and I could tell from the colour that I would probably like it.  So I leaned over and asked if it was dry or not.  Well, she and he launched into a great discussion about how they don’t like dry wines, had me hand them my empty water glass and poured me a glass to try!!!!  Who does that??!!  And it was delicious! 

 Turns out it was Mateus Rose, a wine we are very familiar with. They did not pronounce it the way I am used to ! Its not sophisticated in any way, just totally delicious!  We shall be ordering a bottle tomorrow night!  

From there they gave us the complete history of yorkshire pudding!  And after great discussion, the real way is in the roast pan after the roast is finished, to be cut up like a cake when baked.  I remember Uncle Jim liked it like that.  One time in Bamfield,  I accidentally had to use a cake pan instead of muffin tins to bake it and I remember him telling me that that was the way he liked it.  Funny, I never forgot that and now and then that is how I make it.   

We have been sitting with people at every meal and we have thoroughly enjoyed every single couple.  We have met couples from Norfolk, Essex, Surrey and Yorkshire. 

Well it is once again bedtime.  They have a kettle and coffee and tea makings in here.  This is a first!  But, Bill noticed a sign up in the lido disallowing us to bring cups of coffee, glasses of juice or dishes and cutlery to our rooms.  Hmmm  I wonder why?  Maybe too many people were purloining these treasures?  I can’t imagine why anyone would want to steal that stuff!  hahaha...anyway, with a clear conscience I am off to bed! TTYL