I remember the very first time it came to my attention that I had a weight problem. I was 11 years old, helping my Grammy in the kitchen. This was very very special as we didn't see her often. As we cooked side by side, I was feeling very connected and at one with Gramma. In a sudden impulsive moment of trust and camaraderie I told her I had a crush (a very powerful full bloom crush I might add) on a neighbour boy, Raymond. Even now his name still has a bit of magic to it! She turned to me and said that I had better watch out because I was stoutish and he might prefer my sister. That is exactly what she told me and so it starts. I was maybe too fat for the boy I loved. And the following year when we moved away he himself told me I should try to lose weight. And then the next year I spent the summer with an aunt, whom I loved dearly, and she put me on my very first diet. It was weight watchers and she told me if I lost 12 pounds she would give me a bathroom scale. I went home at the end of the summer with a shiny new scale and a firm realization that I was fat and undesirable. Now I know all three of them had my best interests at heart and I would never hold any bad feelings towards them, but by the ripe old age of twelve I became a reject in my own mind.
Over the years I managed to somewhat control my weight...at least to a level that kept me in the non reject loop. High school was awesome, I had lovely boyfriends and a ton of fun. Then I married and started to have babies. By 25 I weighed 195 pounds, was divorced and had two babies in tow. At 26 I discovered Atkins and over six months lost about 70 pounds. My life drastically changed. The people closest to me weren't all that happy (with a couple of exceptions) and the people I was newly meeting thought I was the cat's ass. So ridiculous because I was exactly the same person...I still loved to cook, I still loved to listen to music at 4000 decibels, I still loved being a mom etc.... I managed to keep the weight off for ten years...most that time being crazy hungry.
Then....I got pregnant. Gained it all back. Had the baby and over a few months lost it again. Then I got pregnant, lost the baby, got pregnant again and gained it all back. By the time Monte was 2 I was pretty much down to the healthy weight of 135 pounds. When he was 4 I got a massive ovarian tumour, had it taken out and was put on prednisone and estrogen. Ballooned up again. Quit the pills and managed to get some weight off, down to about 165 pounds. Then....I quit smoking. Oh my god!!! The quitting smoking is a piece of cake compared to dieting but a smoker quits his meals with a cigarette. When you take that cigarette away, you don't quit eating. And now here I am 11 years later, bigger than I have ever been.
After reading so many women's stories today I have come to a conclusion. There is no doubt that some of us are predisposed to becoming fat. It is just simply going to be tougher to stay healthy. But, that being said, I simply cannot attribute my fattness to past trauma, abuse, neglect, or whatever. A lot of the blogs I read today attributed their problems to past crap. That may be so for them but I highly doubt that for me. I just plain eat more than my body can dispose of or use. Simple fact. And now as I am getting older it is getting harder. I feel that my time has been better spent figuring out what plan of eating will work with my type of character, rather than what happened in my past. I want to look through the windshield, not the rearview mirror. I will always be too heavy and too hungry and not totally loving my current state of size...but I have become very adept at being happy in spite of it and to just keep on trying.
Hair washing day!!!!!!!
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