LOSING SOMEONE IS AN ODD EXPERIENCE

 Losing Bill has not been what I expected it to be like.  I knew there would be heart wrenching grief and loneliness.  I was prepared for that.  And I knew people would be so kind, empathetic and considerate of my feelings.  It was an amazing gut wrenching experience. I was lucky that I had eight weeks to get jiggy with it all and be able to have our last words together, nothing left unsaid.

We reached the ten year anniversary last October.  A whole decade has passed without him.  But something quite odd has developed.

It is just now sinking in that I will actually, for real, never see him again.  It has taken this long for the finality of it to hit me.

You know when you hear serious things on the news like impending war, or impending anything doom like and negative, you kind of go into "well it isn't going to happen".  Maybe not consciously but definitely in the background of your thinking.  I think that is for survival and comfort.  

I think I have been in that Lala land for a decade.  Now it is actually coming to the surface of my brain that it IS real and I really am never going to see him again.  Oh, I obviously have known that but it just seems to have become very very real to me lately.  

I guess this is a very convoluted dumb way of saying I am missing him more now than I even did at the start...or at least it is different.  I just want him back.  He still feels so alive and real to me, he is just somewhere else.

I have given this a lot of thought over the last while, too hard to miss the feelings actually!  I feel that maybe what I am needing is some kind of closure on that life he and I had.  I have an inkling, after a lot of introspection, that I need to go back to Maui to say goodbye. (maybe after Trump is over)  That is where I really discovered the true blue Spod.  We had so much time just the two of us with no distractions and it was such an amazing cathartic experience for both of us.  Magical.  Maybe a family reunion...those that can.  If I spend some final time there to say goodbye to him properly it may help this finality into a better spot.  I think I will put the suggestion out there.

I have to give credit here to my awesome niece, Jeni, my brother's daughter.  She is the one that inadvertently put the thought in my head.  It resonated.  My next project!!!

Well that's enough!!!!  I am crying like a baby here.  If anyone walks into my room I will have some splainin to do!!!

As usual all you people that read my blog out there are more valuable to me than you will ever ever know.  Thanks For Listening and TTYL

be prepared....you will start reading lots of Maui prep stuff now!!!  lol!!