PENGUINS versus SHOVELS

 I have been pondering my changing that shovel list nomenclature.  Nobody came up with any suggestions so it's on me to pick a new one.  (shovel list...oh the self inflicted pressure) one last time!

So I sat back in the dark in my bedroom, all electronics off, deep silence and decided that after attempting to empty my brain of all thought, that the first image or thought that leaks in will be the new label.  And the first thing was 'penguin'.  Why? sigh

Now don't get me wrong...I love penguins. In fact I do consider the penguin my spirit animal, with good reason. 

At the influenceable age of 12ish my mom took us girls (Stan and Dad were still in Smithers) to the zoo in Stanley Park.  We were seeing animals we only knew existed because of the Encyclopedia Britannica, the only book other than the bible we were allowed to read according to our cult.  Monkeys, polar bears, seals, otters etc...and penguins.

When we reached the penguin habitat they were congregating on some rocks and squawking loudly in the only way penguins can.  For some reason their squawking reduced me to uncontrollable explosive laughing...which I could not stop.  I am not sure why they made me laugh so hard.  I have heard penguins lots of times since and I don't get it.  They aren't funny.  Maybe the way they waddle but squawk?  Not so much.  But at 12 it did and penguins became my collectors items, my many gift themes for birthdays, my writing paper motif etc.... I even have a salad bowl that has a rim of penguins three inches higher than the rim, standing in a circle all around the top.  And I still have it, stored safely in the shed.

So (penguin list) it is.  So from now on when I mention something happy or successful or interesting to me or whatever positive thing that is written, (penguin list) will follow.

Today is hair cutting day for Ange.  I guess her hair has grown to a length that drives her nuts so off it must come.  In fact I think she is really getting it cut off..pixie cut.  I am so jealous! 

 I would give my feet, (they hurt all the time) so pretty self serving, to be able to cut mine off.  But...have you ever heard the expression pin head?  Between my fat torso and the hump from scoliosis in my back and no neck, I am the perfect candidate for pin head.  I know I don't have a ton of pride but even I have a certain low I won't go to!!! I'd look even more like Quasimodo than I already do..hahahaha!!!! But boy it would be nice to be hair free and get my Sundays back.  Yes, washing my hair process takes a whole day.

Thats it for today.  Have a great life til next talk!!!!  TFL & TTYL

Penguins mate for life. Which doesn't really surprise me, because they all look exactly alike. It's not like they're gonna meet a better-looking penguin someday.

Ellen DeGeneres

FEELING DEFENSIVE

 Feeling defensive is not a feeling I enjoy.  I have been, and still on occasion over certain specific situations, still do get very defensive.  But at some point in my life I made a concentrated effort to stop.  And it was super hard and took about two years before I could kind of automatically put a stopper on the reaction. (I read a self help book in the late sixties...lol)

Now, I am pretty aware of what will get past that stopper and am somewhat forewarned.  It still happens but I do my best to put a clamper on it and keep it inside.  My kids may not agree with this!!!

But that familiar feeling has been creeping in a little more lately and it has to do with Monte.  His disability is not necessarily totally obvious in a couple hours of visiting.  He even has said that his ability to act 'normal' (in other words what the world deems is normal) works against him in many ways.  

Part of that is my fault.  As his ambassador it should be up to me to educate our small circle enough for general understanding to avoid judgement.  But I don't have his permission.  I asked him for it but he answered 'not yet' and I have to respect that.  I have written here some of it for a mild general understanding but hells bells...I could write a book now!!!

But back to what I was originally saying...it is amazing how people judge our living situation here in this house, that actually sees outside people maybe three times a year.  In other words how the hell do they know how things really are?

  Everyone can put on a good show for several hours or even up to a few days.  But let me tell you, those few hours don't show squat to the reality.  I am not saying it's bad, just not accurate.  Yet people feel they can pass judgement on what goes on here.  I am sure not saying the decisions we make daily are all awesome, but I can say they are the best we can do at the time.  Okay now I am being defensive rather than explanatory.  Sigh.

  I know it is easy to come to the incorrect conclusion that he is milking me for all I have to gain a cushy life.  And if that is their conclusion then they also have to conclude that I am dead stupid.  And that I am not.

I am excluding family from this observation.  They have been nothing but supportive in every way possible and for that I am so so grateful.

So I guess my final word on this is: unless you have an adult child living with you, with exactly the same level of disability, the same disabilities (there is more than one}, I can tell you straight up...you haven't got a damn clue what it's like, what is necessary and how incredibly heart breaking then heart warming then breaking again it can be.  Thank Ohm I love him to the sky and back.

On another note Ange and I have decided we have to get out of this house at least once a week...not once every couple of months for appointments.  We are embracing and enjoying our retirement maybe a wee tad too much!!!  Neither of us feels compelled to work at whatever we find to justify our existence.  We can spend our days doing as little as possible and wallow in it...totally guilt free!!!!

  But...Steampunk coffee shop is calling us and No Frills for a little cheap supplemental shopping..filling in for all the groceries that Walmart, otherwise known as Out Of Stock, doesn't supply in our deliveries.  So shoes on, lists in hand and off we go.  TFL& TTYL

'Welcome to funemployment'. hahaha. AI

NEW NAME FOR SHOVEL LIST

 I have reread a few of my latest posts and they are just too negative.  Thinking negatively equals a negative life.  It's kind of like when I was complaining to my life coach that my family pushed my buttons.  His response?  Well who put the buttons there?  One of the most influential memorable statements ever put to me.  Changed my thinking but now and then I need a boot up the patoot to remind me.

I spend a humungous amount of time alone.  I would say about 99%  of my waking hours are completely alone.  Monte doesn't converse and Ange stops for a couple minutes on her way to and from the loo.  I am fine with that.  But I am not sure why one tends to get a little morose in those circumstances.  Like why don't humans get giddy and excited and happy?  I watch that show Alone.  I watch those poor sods go downhill real quick!!!  If I were to go on that show I would want my lappy so I could blog about it. You all who read this are my people that keep me sane.  I am very very very grateful to y'all.  I would win that contest Alone if I could take you all with me!!!

So on that note I am changing and discarding the 'shovel list'.  No more shovel list.  I am getting to an age that I should have the experience to eliminate shovel list stuff out of my life or at least change the negative aspect of whatever it is to a positive.  Old hippies, well now they are old, taught me that.

So now I have to come up with a new ?list.  I will think about this over the next few days and come up with one that resonates.  Any suggestions are welcome!  TFL & TTYL

“I don't do that kind of negativity. If you put your energy into thinking about how much the fall would hurt, you're already halfway down.”
― Tana French, Broken Harbour

MIND OVER MATTER IN SOME CASES (THIS IS A MAJOR COMPLAINING POST..SKIP IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT)

 One of my struggles I need to get a handle on is how resentful I instantly am when Ange tells me about yet another handout and or perk being on disability gets you.  In fact when she tells me another one I tell her to just stop telling me.  Makes me mad! Poor Ange.

At this point many of us seniors are living off our pensions.  It amounts to about the same amount as disability people, at least in my house, get each month.  And because we got hooked into putting 'tax free' money into RRSP's, we now are forced to take chunks out, add it to our income and pay income taxes on it!!!!  What a colossal rip off that whole thing was.  I have absolutely warned my kids to have nothing to do with RRSP's.

And in this town it's hard not to have disability recipients in your face.  Out of the dozen or so people I know, eight are on it.  And only one out of all those people drives.  And they get help with that.  Frankly I have come to the conclusion I would be better off not owning my house, being disabled enough to get on disability, and for sure not having rrsp money bopping my income tax bill sky high.  So now I have to work on being jiggy with being in the group that pays for themselves and for a whole lot of other people as opposed to those that take it.

So whilst I am complaining, have I mentioned that about a year ago my left ear started to viciously ring.  It is very distracting.  It never lets up.  I have done a ton of research on tinnitus and it was not good news.  They feel now it's a brain thing and only about 14% of people have it go away.  Once you have it you HAVE it.

This is where the mind over matter comes in.  The only thing you can do is one way or the other learn to ignore it.  Plus I keep the tv or music on all the time.  It really helps distract from it.  You have to work pretty hard not to let it drive you crazy.

Okay last complain.  Type 2 diabetes.  People without diabetes, especially type 2 (because type 1 can just poke insulin into themselves and bring their numbers down, type 2 can only do it by NOT EATING) (shovel list) don't understand how invasive that frigging disease is.  I can live with the not eating and the side effects of the meds and it making

I REST MY CASE

you fat, but what I can't handle is trying to get my medication.  I am almost at the point that I say eff it and just quit taking all of them.

  You can't see a doctor here.  It takes days and days of trying physically to get a day when there is a clinic and the only way you can do that is by repeatedly going in to the one and only one here across town.  And you have to go three hours before opening time.  Our clinic is only open two hours in the morning and two hours at five if open at all.

 My standing one year lab requisition for A1c (which you need to get a prescription renewal) ran out a long time ago.  So I need to see a doctor to get that.  And then I need to go back to get the prescription.  And they tend to hand out only three month scripts.  In this day and age we should be able to get at least one year.  

So one is reduced to virtual doctors.  Which would be great but they are no different.  They want to know when your last test was done and when they find out you can't get one they will only give you a month or two...so the circle has to start all over.  So what are they going to do?  No matter what your a1c is you still have to have pills. 

 I hate this.  The actual difficulty eating exactly correctly is no fun and difficult but I can live with that.  But the huge dysfunction in our medical system is finally getting to me..to the point where I actually would quit all the drug shit except I really need one of them for my reflux.  Without that one I can't live.  Grrrrrrrrrr. 

 And the kicker to this?  I spent my whole life restricting my carbs massively.  I was the original Dr. Atkins subscriber at the age of 24.  But I still got type 2.  And I was pretty skinny til I got it too.  I have done the research.  The meds and the disease causes the typical weight gain.  The weight gain does not cause the disease.  It's the other way around.

I could start complaining about my tailbone which keeps me walking around like a wounded drug addict, bent right over and hanging on to stuff but I will leave that for another day.  It's time now for me to go do my daily gratitude list.  Hahahahaha!!!!!!  There is always something to be grateful for!  TFL  & TTYL

'If I could uninvent anything it would be Hitler's mom, guns and broccoli.'  Dominic Monaghan (lost)

I LOVE MY KIDS

 I am having such an awesome time.  I am so glad I have a family that fighting and disagreement just don't happen.  It probably makes for boring blog posts but really! it just doesn't happen.

Graeme did all the driving over from the island.  He doesn't get much driving time and I was quite happy to sit back and let him take the wheel.  

There is so much recent stuff I don't remember. I am not sure if it's dementia or just tossing unimportant crap out of my head.  I have very little recollection of the trip over.  I think nothing happened.  I do remember eating a bowl of clam chowder on the ferry!  Jeez!  I love that soup!!!

As usual I had a great time at April's.  They are such good hosts.  The first dinner I had at their place was  honestly the best dinner I have had in forever. They use a butcher who shaves chuck roasts and marinates it in his special Maui marinade.  Then Myles bbqed the meat as well as sauced eggplant slices, zucchini done April's famous way and she made rice.  So delicious!!!!!! 

On Sunday Bradley djs up a Brittania in a pub there for three hours.  So April Myles Aryn (Bradley's roadie) and niece Dorothy all converged and had dinner.

Now I know this is beginning to sound like a food blog and my apologies.  But I ate something for dinner there that I will spend the rest of my life trying to duplicate.   A Sunday roast dinner was on the menu, which I ordered.  It was a delicious amazing meal. I wish I had taken a picture of it.  But the absolute star of the plate without question was the roast slices!  So many I had to take about five huge slices and put them on a side plate for others to eat.  I just can't eat that much meat!

 Aryn is going to find out what cut of meat it was.  She knows people up there!!!  Given the amount of fat on the meat my feeling is it was a very slowly braised chuck roast.  I MUST KNOW!!!!  It was shocking how perfect it was.  I HAVE to figure it out.

Now I am sitting on Arnie's couch.  I love it here.  We share tv watching and gossiping and great food.  She is an amazing cook.  She made the most delicious dinner last night and Dorothy came and joined in.  She made very successful lemon potatoes!  And Bradley bbq'ed a pork tenderloin and she made a delicious salad and a blueberry loaf for dessert.  

Today sometime Aryn will drive me back to April's.  I will head back to Port when it makes sense.  I think April may need a Gdog sitter at some point.  I will wait to find out.  But I do have a notary appointment on Tuesday afternoon.  So for sure will be home by Monday night.

Today is housecleaner day at home.  I don't expect Monte to be able to completely clean the place to the point that I do.  But...I did message her and warn her I am not there and she may run into things that are not perfect.  I always feel bad when I make more work for the housekeepers I have had.

I have been totally happy with all my housekeepers.  They were all hired for two hours and they all got it all done in that time.  The current one is the sweetest girl.  But she is kind of an odd cleaner.  She doesn't dust anything.  Nothing.  Not my lamps.  Not the piano. Not the hearth. And for sure not the furniture.  She does an amazing job on the kitchen and bathroom and most of the floors.  Plus she is by far the most expensive.  Thirty five bucks an hour!!!

Well now I am sitting at April and Myles.  Aryn Bradley and I stopped at a place they know for lunch then another stop at their storage unit to pick up a bag of fifty cloths he had ordered for work.  He hated them and they were exactly what I wanted.  

I am determined to reduce our use of paper towel.  It has become so expensive for an unnecessary item.  I didn't grow up with paper towel.  I grew up with cloths in the kitchen.  So, I went on that Asian website that none of us admit to and bought two cheap net red laundry hampers.  In one I shall throw all the clean cloths.  And as they get dirty we shall throw them in the other.  In the dirty one I will put a garbage can for the really wet ones.  I will report to you if it works out.  Like you guys care!!lol!!!!

Anyway I am freezing.  Myles came home in a bit of a stew about people's driving.  I don't blame him.  It's really ugly out there now...too many people.  But he was too hot and the ac is blasting away and now I am freezing.  So I am going to sign off here and go find my sweater.  Have a lovely rest of day and TFL & TTYL

'“You are what you are when nobody is looking.”

-- Abigail Van Buren

OFF TO NANNYMO ONCE AGAIN

Another trip to Nanaimo today.  I need to pick up my reading glasses and we are also picking up Graeme from the ferry.  Yay!!!!  He is coming over today and going back with me next Wednesday.  

Well now it is the next day.  I had to leave just as I started this post.  We had a fantastic day.  We went straight to the ferry and he was waiting.  It was so good to see him.  It's been a while.

We hit the mall and I got my glasses.  We decided to eat in the food court.  Going out for a meal is just too expensive.  So we each got what we wanted, ate and left Nanaimo for home. 

Poor Graeme.  Monte got sick and bailed on him.  Off to bed he went and Graeme and I sat in the living room watching crap tv.  Sigh.  But we also had really good convo and played our games on our individual phones.  It was really relaxing and enjoyable.

This morning though it was rubber hits the road time.  I had to clean the very messy house and do laundry and wash my hair and pack etc....

The hardest part is I can only work for about ten minutes and my back and hip get so painful I can hardly walk. (evil shovel list). Thank goodness sitting down immediately relieves it.  I have to sit for longer periods now to be able to get up and continue.  So freaking annoying. 

 I am NOT used to doing things that way.  I am used to motoring through everything until it is completely done.  Those days are long gone.  So I am adjusting my attitude from victim to slow down.  I am not a slow down person.  All or nothing...that's me with everything.  I have always been that way and this is a tougher lesson for me.  But....as I preach practically on a daily basis (mostly to myself) your reaction to anything is a choice.  So I am learning to make hay whilst I can and have a book or something to make the wait time more fun.

We are leaving today.  All my chores are done except for the kitchen, always the freaking kitchen, (super shovel list) and putting away my clean laundry and packing the suitcase at the same time.

Our ferry isn't until 4, we need to be there by 3.  I made a reservation.  I extended my stay in Vancouver.  Arnie got hold of me and by chance they are actually in Van until the 13th and she wanted me to go stay a couple of nights over at hers.  So Sunday night April and I are heading up to Brittania Beach to watch Bradley dj and then I will head back with Aryn.  Kinda like we did at Xmas only in reverse.

So I should go finish everything plus as I sit here typing away with Gdog on my shins (extended part of the recliner) a dreadful smell is creeping over me.  The garbage in the kitchen has reached its limit.  lol!!!  It's callin' me.  Gotta bounce!!!  TFL & TTYL

I often talk about the 'rainbow bridge' coming up soon.  It might be tomorrow and it could be when I am 90, I don't know and don't really care.  I have done my bucket list, some of it more than once.  I am at peace spiritually.  But....one thing has become very clear to me.  The people around me are NOT ready to hear about it.  In fact someone near and dear, upon me commenting on my age slowing me down, admonished me to stop talking like that.  Well that sounded like my mother's mantra.  Deny your aging and it won't happen.  Well I saw that attitude in my mom and it sure didn't do her any favours.  I just simply have no problem with aging and nearing the proverbial bridge.  I read a quote today that prompted this little blurt out.

'I left my dad with this realization: Growing old isn’t about staying who you were. It’s about learning how to be who you are, now. And for most people, that can be challenging.'  Victor Mong