I have had a lot of, I guess I will call it sympathy and support, for my circumstances with Monte.  Due to certain issues lately and the ups and downs I know people are sympathetic about those circumstances.  And yes it can be hard and painful and scary and even hurtful at times.

But I want to clear something up.  Those issues are secondary, not the biggest pain I go through.  Those I find relatively easy to deal with for the simple reason of how much I love him. No, it's seeing him struggle.  Life is very very hard for him and it almost kills my heart to see him going through this..knowing it will never go away. 

 It's very similar I feel to parents with very sick children that with all the right treatments will eventually get better.  But while they are suffering, as a parent, I don't think there is anything more awful than to watch your kid go through that painful experience. 

And when I see Monte's frustration, humiliation and dashed dreams (if he dared to have them to begin with) it's the real pain for me.  It isn't the day to day difficulties or the consequences of his autism (inability to converse easily, extremely messy room, personal hygiene...all the things that go with mental illness), its HIS pain that hurts the most.  And unlike some sick kids, his is not going to get better or go away. I truly appreciate the care and concern people have shown towards me, but the real care and concern and understanding is more important for him.  He'd probably be pretty upset if he read this.  Lol!!!  He doesn't like sympathy. 

Well, on a different note, it's autumn...my fave time of the year.  I love fall.  By far, when asked, the majority of people say spring is their fave.  You know all that fresh sunshine, baby plants and animals growing, birds singing lalalalalala....so predictable! 

 Yes that is all lovely (I think it has more to do with no more snow and shovelling than birdies singing) but I love the getting ready to hunker down, baking cookies time now that we can actually turn the stove on again, inventing new soups, crispy aired walks in gorgeous coloured forests, smelling stinky dying fish in the spawning creeks, bears going to bed and leaving us alone finally, no more weeding the stupid garden, digging up potatoes like finding gold nuggets, hearing the honking clouds of geese abandoning us for another season....so many things to love!!! And I am now sitting in my beloved recliner watching the massive dogwood tree across the street, all gorgeous white in the spring, all gorgeous green in summer and now turning all gorgeous red.  Ahhhhh...I love it.

Right now at this moment I am in my chair, Leeloo (here for a couple of weeks) is sleeping between my knees under my laptop as I type, my music quietly playing.  A few minutes ago my damned nose started to whistle as I breathed.  So I started the usual routine we all use when that happens.  First I start snorting in and out.  Still happening.  Then I plug one nostril after the other and snort individually.  Nope.  Still happening.  Finally I capitulate and get a Kleenex and blow.  Nope.  Blow again just harder.  Nope.  Dang it!!!  I contemplated using a finger to fix it but I don't want to risk Alzheimers.  So I sit there for a moment, hold my breath and turn the music off. It still whistled.  What the heck???  I then realized it was the darn dog, nose breathing.  Jeez!!!  She also sometimes makes little groaning sounds but so does my stomach.  And they sound exactly the same.  Gets confusing.

Last night I wasn't making dinner.  On those nights I often eat raw wieners and chopped tomatoes in home made thousand islands dressing.  Something low carb and easy and won't spike my blood sugar.

Sitting in my fridge was a fairly large eggplant.  I love eggplant.  So I sliced it thickly.  Fried it in olive oil and Montreal Grille vegetable spice.  Oh my Ohm!!!  It was so delicious I ate the whole damned thing and thats all I ate!!!!

Okay this is getting too long and rambley.  Gotta go make a coffee and go do my writing.  Have a wonderful day or two and I shall be back. TFL & TTYL

okay the quote today has nothing to do with anything but it made me laugh out loud.  so I am putting it here.

'Dating after 40 is like trying to find the least damaged item in a thrift store that doesn't smell."

anonymous

HAD TO LAUGH THEN HAD TO THINK ABOUT IT

 I have subscribed to an essay site.  I get about twelve a day in my email.  I don't read them all.  I just skim through the titles and click on ones that pique my interest.

So today one of the essays caught my attention for some reason.  It basically listed the five things people on their death bed most regret.  Well I was going to whip right past it but then it caught me in my brain.  About six essays down I kept going back to the article.  I finally clicked on it.

  I don't like being told what to do...no one does.  So these essays on self help nine times out of ten just piss me off.  I expected this one to as well.  This is what it suggested (just the short heading and my quick take on the advice)

1.  I WISH I'D HAD THE COURAGE TO LIVE A LIFE TRUE TO MYSELF, NOT THE LIFE OTHERS EXPECTED OF ME.

Well I have definitely lived true to myself.  I have never listened to anyone on how I should be.  My philosophy is if you don't like me then go away.

2.  I WISH I HADN'T WORKED SO HARD.

Are you kidding?  I worked damned hard as a mother and loved every single moment of it.  I am still living that life by choice.  I loved working with Bill as a mortgage broker.  Every day was awesome. And now I am sitting in my beloved recliner taking retirement by storm....easily!!!!

3.  I WISH I'D HAD THE COURAGE TO  EXPRESS MY FEELINGS.

This one made me sad!!!  Just recently expressing my feelings got me into serious trouble with my awesome nephew and through him his wife.  I love both of them so dearly and would never in the world would I hurt them.  But hey!  I was expressing my feelings.  So this one should be the opposite for me.  I should learn to keep my more extreme feelings to myself!  This one is going to be a hard one to not regret on my deathbed.

4.  I WISH I HAD STAYED IN TOUCH WITH MY FRIENDS.

Well I am not sure about this one.  All you readers are my friends and I think about you a lot as I blog.  I have a few dear friends in Kamloops and I am about to go to Kamloops and will be seeing them all.  I think I have been pretty good at keeping in touch. 

5.  I WISH I HAD LET MYSELF BE HAPPIER.

Well holy cow!!!  If wishes were horses we would all be riding into the sunset.  I learned at a very tender age that the one thing people could not do in my life was to control two things....my thoughts and my happiness.  If something is controlling either of those then I do something about it!!!!  My awesome mother had a tendency to want us kids to think the way she did.  I remember at four years old I became aware that just because she got mad at me for expressing an opposite opinion to hers, I could still think that way in spite of her.  Seriously... at four.  It saved our relationship in the end.

So there it is.  Obviously I am ready to die happy.  Lol!!!  I am glad I went back and read it just to end up feeling kind of smug.  I think most of us when we get older in this day and age...post hippie time, we are all more advanced than we used to be.  Thank goodness!!!  Gotta bounce...be happy...TFL & TTYL

'When it's my time I hope to go with a smile on my face and fried bologna sammiches in both hands!'  Helen Price

WELL WHAT CAN I SAY???

 A few days in the hospital psyche ward, some pretty good food, awesome new drugs to help sleep and untangle thought waves, and out you come all refreshed and happy.

He isn't talking about what happened initially, a few hints here and there but he doesn't want to talk about it.  So I am afraid I won't talk about it here either.

He does seem to be a bit calmer and more extroverted but that could be my imagination.  He is being very pleasant overall.

He saw his old psychiatrist, the one he had originally.  This particular doctor is pretty amazing.  Monte has a lot of respect for him.  But he resigned his position here to treat geriatric patients only and to be the hospital emergency psychiatrist.  I am going to tell Monte that in the future act up, get taken to emergency, get admitted to the psyche ward and get an appointment with Dr. Smit. Thats one way to get an appointment with a psychiatrist in a town completely devoid of one.  Lol!!!

Anyway Smit phoned me and asked my opinion of Monte's current status.  I asked him to convince him to go on some new to him drugs.  It would be great if he could take something that would help untangle his thoughts a little.  And he came home happy, new pills in hand and willing to take them.  I hope it lasts.  I am not sure how he gets refills.  He absolutely loathes his current doctor and doesn't go to him anymore.

So now the dust has settled and on to the next thing.  I need to prepare for our road trip.  We are leaving either the fourth or fifth of October.  I have had both girls and their significant others visiting over the last few days.  It has been hugely awesome.  I love spending time with them.

One activity of note....Jeni is in town and the four of us, April, Myles, Jeni and myself decided to take a picnic out to a most beautiful spot about forty minutes up the highway towards Ukey and Tofino.  It's the Taylor River.  She drove us out this little rough road to a little rough parking spot.  There was a not too long a walk to an incredibly steep rocky rooty path straight down a long steep path.  Now this old hefty blister has basically not really moved much out of her old recliner for the past six years.  I take a fist full of pills that make me dizzy and off balance and I do have a penchant for falling.  One of these times something under layers of fat will break.  And I can just see the rescue people being called to help me up and out.

So grabbing foliage at the side of the path, bent right over, hands on the ground, grabbing the nearest person....I slid and stepped and rolled all the way to the bottom.  It was quite a ways..for me!  Then I sat on a blanketed (thank you Jeni) rock for the next 2-3 hours.  It was stunningly beautiful down there on that river rocky beach.

Now it was time to go back up.  UP^^^!!!  I don't generally do up...up anything!  But off we go!  I planted hands on the ground, used rocks and roots as steps, and away we went.  At the top I had to sit on a log, my heart was pounding...in my ears!!!  Tandy taught me a long long time ago that if something is tired on the body, feed it oxygen.  So long deep breaths and I recovered a lot faster than I deserved.  I thought for sure the next day I wouldn't be able to move but not a pain anywhere.  In fact I felt fantastic!!!

So now it's list making, house regulating, laundry, packing, checking the spare tire in the van, buying a looooong extension cord for Monte's gasper.....plus tomorrow we need to pick up his new twin mattress for the van after taking a mountain of cardboard to the recycling to empty out the van.  Every time we think of selling the van... something comes up and we thank goodness we didn't.

Well thats it for today.  I hope this finds you all fat and happy!!!!!  TFL & TTYL

“I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.”
– Unknown.   this is exactly what my life is!!!!  When I read this quote it totally resonated with me.  Lol!!!

 

THANK GOODNESS FOR YOU READERS

I do believe I have mentioned before that you people out there that have stuck to reading this blog are my therapists.  You truly are.

It is ten to midnight right now.  My phone just rang and I see on the screen it says VIHA, our island health authority.  For a moment my heart stopped.  The only thing that means is Monte is in trouble. Normally I would keep this private for his sake but my heart is still pounding and it is too late to call anyone to help me calm down.  So I am sharing with you guys.

I answered and I get asked a ptsd causing question,  'are you Monte's mom?'  This has happened twice before and both times were not good.

It's funny but when he left today I was worried.  He has on what can only be described as a dramatic black light coat, long and swingy, black tight jeans and a black t-shirt.  He wears a black brimmed hat.  And he is carrying what is quite obviously a female black purse.  I gently suggested that because he looks so different he may attract negative attention from idiots.  He poo pooed that and said he wasn't in the least worried.  Such bravado.  His size kind of makes him less cautious and overly sure of his ability to protect himself.

When he came onto the phone he kind of gave me a disjointed jumbley statement or too.  What did become clear immediately was that he was picked up and taken to the hospital by the police for his own safety.  I guess he was being harassed and somehow he became nervous, he mentioned that word a number of times, and I don't know how the police got involved.  Either he phoned them or bystanders did.  

Now at the hospital they (he thinks it is he) have made the decision to hold him there for observation and what he called a health check up.  And for all you doubters out there they are holding him under the mental health act.

The one thing that totally stands out is how cooperative he is being.  He is completely agreeing to staying there and going through whatever they determine is necessary.  And I have my fingers crossed that Dr. Scmidt his original psychiatrist, the most amazing doctor out of all his doctors he has seen, is still the hospital psychiatrist and he will see him.

My precious car is still at the quay full of stuff including his phone and a new air conditioner still in the box.  Lol!!!!  Monte Monte Monte.  I am going to get a mug made that has Life With Monte written on it.

He was very calm and almost happy to be up there.  He stated that HE decided he would stay there and get a checkup done.  Thats when I heard a pretty loud male voice state in the back ground that they were holding him under the mental health act.  He seemed to be okay with that.

But what he mostly talked about was how amazing and wonderful the police were.  They super liked him and offered him to come work for them.  He couldn't get over how amazingly well they treated him.  The one thing you can count on Monte to be is polite and friendly.

So now I am dead curious to what the heck happened down there.  His feelings are going to be hurt.  He is pretty sensitive.  And this folks is why I have to live with him, at least for now.  My poor Monte.  Life just isn't fair sometimes.  I have kind of been holding my breath every time he has left the house...which is every day.   I kind of knew it was a matter of time before something like this was going to happen.  I will find out more tomorrow.

So thank you for listening.  My heart has settled down and now I am trying to not let my hopes get too high that we can get some mental health for him that he would agree to.  It's a roller coaster for sure.  I am so grateful to all you folks.  I feel heard when I post here.  It's kind of amazing actually.  I will get back on here as soon as I know what happened and the outcome.  Thanks for Listening and Talk To You Later.  

OOPS!!!! DOUBLE POST

 Sorry bout that folks.  Like you probably weren't interested in my kitchen tap to begin with!!!  I have been super busy and didn't realize I had posted that story already.  What I didn't do was delete it off my browser when finished.  Going back two weeks later or more, I didn't remember I had already posted it. 

Now, for something a wee bit more difficult.  I have been getting feed back over the last couple of years about Monte and 'is he really neurodivergent or is he just lazy and taking advantage of me.'  

This post won't be naming names or going over all his issues that make him definitely on the spectrum.  What I am going to say is I am actually prepared to do two things and make those two things available to the people who doubt and obviously think I am stupid and wouldn't know if my kid is actually challenged or not.  Fortunately for Monte he pretty much never sees these doubters.   It would be pretty hurtful if he got wind of their mindset.

Number one:  this one is only because we will need this when we move off the Island in the next couple of years otherwise I would not be doing it.  I am going to get his medical papers.  He has been hospitalized three times, had four different psychiatrists, taken by the police twice, been committed to mental health for mandatory checkups for one year but had one gp through all that.  I should be able to get his medical records from one of those.  And should any one of the doubters have the cojones to look me in the eye and ask for them, they are welcome to confirm his diagnoseses. (he has several).

Number 2.  There is one person that actually has lived with him from age 19 when all this came to the forefront.  She has lived with Monte through thick and thin for years and years...a lot longer than me.  And if you truly want to know how present his mental status is she is more than willing to walk you through it from the beginning to the present.  She will set anyone straight and to this day still talks with  and sees his doctor, the gp.  So there you go. Two ways you can verify he is not taking advantage of me or lazy or stupid.  I am done with defending our situation.

On another note, I had a wonderful visit with Aryn and Bradley.  Aryn spent a good portion of one day setting up my tv's with Roku's (now I can get rid of that useless optic tv) Thank you Aryn.  Whilst she was doing that Bradley painted my front door inside and out...red!!!  The neighbours have been dropping by to comment favourably about it.  And what seems to be the number one observation is what an incredibly professional perfect job he did!!!  I love it. We are hoping all the neighbours will do the same!!!!  

Now it is April and Myles coming for a visit!!!  They arrive next Thursday the 18th for a couple of nights.  And Myles, bless him, being a plumber, I think the kitchen tap is going to get what's coming to it!!!  I will have to empty out under the sink.  Should be interesting!  I haven't looked under there for six years.  With any luck I will find my other slipper I have been hunting for.

Then in the beginning of October/end of September Monte and I are heading to Kamloops for a week.  Kathy very generously offered their little suite downstairs to use whilst we are there.  I will be able to go around and see all my friends and see the family.  Kathy and Kerry will be gone on a trip but nieces and nephews will be there.  And I hear Dorothy will be moving up to Kamloops around then too. I am excited to see Ainsley and Stirling!!!  They feel like grandchildren to me a little!  I super miss them.

After that we will be going to Penticton and seeing Kevin and family!!  Monte will be sleeping in his van again in the back driveway.  During the day when kids are in school and parents working, Mont and I will travel about and stop at wineries and fruit stands and take autumnal pictures.  Sigh.  I love going there. 

Anywhooo....I have a grocery order about to be delivered and must bounce.  I hope this finds everybody happy and healthy.  TFL & TTYL

• "Normal is just a dryer setting." - Anonymous

• “Autism is not a tragedy. It is a gift. ” - Anonymous

  
  

 

THE LIFE OF MY KITCHEN TAP

  When we first moved in, Aryn and I were so excited to roam through the house checking it out.  When we hit the kitchen we were somewhat taken aback.  In that show House Hunters, this kitchen is the kind that the house buyer immediately shouts 'this is a gut job!!!  I am not moving in until this kitchen is gutted and rebuilt the way I want it."  And frankly I wouldn't criticize them for saying it...given the state of our kitchen with the green laminate fake marble counters and home made painted plywood cupboards.

I hate to admit this but when I went through the house initially I didn't even notice the terrible kitchen and the shiny giant foil roses wallpaper and avocado coloured turlett and tub in the bathroom.  I did notice the pink wall to wall carpet in the living room but that certainly wasn't a deal breaker.  It was new carpet too.  But what sold it to me was the fairly new heat pump, expensive new furnace and NO EXPENSIVE BASEBOARD HEATERS!!!

So, back to the kitchen, Aryn and I decided to test the water pressure.  We turned on the water and a wee trickle trickled out and stopped.  Dam!!  But Aryn had the brilliant idea that the water was likely turned off.  So off we went and found the right water tap in the basement and turned it on.  Yup!!  Water gushed out at a very pleasing pressure.

Well that was six years ago.  It was old as heck back then but now it's beyond repair.  This house was built in the early 70's and I am pretty sure that tap is the original.  I did buy a 250 dollar awesome new tap a couple years ago..and it has been sitting under the guest room bed all this time.  I didn't have the money to have the plumber come back and install it.  Plus the old one was working just fine until....

About two months ago the tap (its a single handle up and down tap above the faucet) itself fell off.  We had to use pliers to twist the little knobby thing to turn the water on.  Monte came along though and managed to get the tap back on...but it goes right around loosely and it will be all cold all the way around or so hot you can't touch it.  There is no in between.  And to get it to change from one to the other you have to push it up and down and turn and turn it around in circles then up and down again, all the while keeping one hand in the water stream and screech to a halt when it gets to the one you are looking for.

The good part of all this is it makes us laugh...every time.  Eventually it will be fixed.  Probably Aryn will fix it when she comes over next time.  She has put new taps in kitchens for me at least twice before!

  Although I am tempted to call the plumber.  I call him Clint as in Clint Eastwood.  He looks like him.  I did ask his name once and it's Wendall.  Well let me tell you he looks way more like a Clint than a Wendall.  With those names though he should be out riding a horse, wearing a stetson and have squinty eyes.

The forest fire next door is now just a smoulder and will be for a few months they say.  The smoke though isn't pleasant.  It reminds me of Kamloops, who (whom? always a mystery when to use whom and not who)  I hear has had a pleasantly clear summer!!!  They needed that break for sure.

I am battling the very strong urge to move.  It's been six years now.  I am used to moving every five years or less.  I know it isn't possible this time.  I really do need to stay here and when rainbow bridge time comes this house really suits Monte.  He will be staying on after I am gone.  Plus I am just not physically able like I was a decade ago.  I would have to pack a box and then have to sit for ten minutes then get up and pack some more.  Thats pretty much how my day goes now.  Which is totally okay with me, if a little annoying.

Monte is doing so well now.  He is so much more relaxed now that he has a place he can go that is all his and he can be just himself and not worry about stepping on anyone's toes.

Last night he asked if I would go downstairs to Ange's for a couple of hours so he could record his music.  So I did happily as Ange and I are watching a couple of shows together.  It was a chance to catch up on one of them (it involves renovating a castle in France).  I could hear Monte playing upstairs and it sounded so good.  And after he was finished he said, and I quote, 'I don't have to ever play the piano again.  That was perfect and I got it recorded.'  He was so stoked.

Which got me fired up.  I ordered a couple of music books, just short ones off Amazon the other day.  They arrived yesterday!!!!  Two are classical and the other is Pachelbel's Canon in D.  I am so excited to be playing that one again.  I am going to have to practise, which due to my double type vision is a chore, but doable, and get back to where I have it memorized.  I love the piece!!!!

Thats it for today.  I must go downstairs and prepare the guest room for this weekend's guests.  I got all the bedding washed and now its make the bed and vacuum.  And then my fave part.....plan the food and make the lists.  TFL & TTYL

'There are 88 keys on a piano and within that, an entire universe.'  James Rhodes

ATTEMPTING TO CHANGE

 I kind of figured that if I am not doing honourable things like other retirees are, I should start working on something at least.  I decided that given the reading I have delved into lately, (very 60's throwback self help new age stuff..don't roll your eyes!) and the reading has been really awesome actually.  I have been loving it.

But then there were mini questionnaires and through that medium it came to my attention that I am kind of morose.  It might have something to do with being alone so much and having too much time think and let my feelings get a little bossy.  So upon a good suggestion from one of my readings, it said to identify things that if I think about them, that thinking will leave a lasting negative feeling that colours subsequent hours.  Hmmmmm.....that was hard, making that list.

So on a Monday, I made the decision that today was the start day.  I got out the list that I had made up a couple of weeks before and looked at number one.  Oh fer geez!!!!  This one does enter my mind due to certain triggers (it's not like I purposely think of something to dwell sadly on) and I felt like skipping to number two.  But that would undermine my end goal.  So number one it would be.  (this is when I really miss my shovel list!)

This time it wasn't a picture or comment that triggered it.  It was my stupid list and stupid resolve to get over this dwelling thing.  I had literally written, 'not one person sent flowers for Bill's funeral.  Not one.'  

I had no option but to believe that was because I suck or Bill did.  And no way was I going to think it was because of Bill.  I maybe wouldn't have noticed no flowers but when I started to get things together for the table at the front of the funeral, picture of him, native art and.....there were no flowers.  None.  I did say something to my awesome sister who immediately made an arrangement from some vases of flowers she already had.  So we did have a lovely vase of flowers on his table.  I feel bad every time I am reminded of this.  Bill was a gardener and flower grower extraordinaire and it just seemed sad and wrong that not one person remembered that.

But now to deal with it once and for all and kick it out of my being for good.  And the only way to do that is to understand it or take on the attitude Bill would have had.  And Bill would not have given one tin hoot.  In fact he rarely gave me flowers because he would rather see them growing than dying.  And just like that I was jiggy with it.  What Bill would have preferred so totally overrides what I thought was right.  It would have pleased him that no flowers were dying on his behalf!!!  And that is that!

  Now for number two....I didn't even look.  I will leave that for another Monday.  Maybe I will start a diet at the same time.  I am famous for my Monday diets that usually end by Wed.!!!

With Monte's permission I entered his room and tackled my closet in there.  Oh my Ohm!!!  Floor to ceiling bedding, mystery boxes, backpacks, books, curtains, throw blankets...about 20 old pillow cases...every one of them mean something to me.

  I was relating a tiny bit to those hoarders that won't throw out what looks like garbage to someone else.  By the time I was through, my living room is three feet high in piles and piles of stuff.  I am beginning to see how a hoarder's hoard can spread out over acreage.  How could half a closet, I still have half to go, completely cover the living room and it's a big living room.

I made a list of things I am selling and I have already got bags and bins of garbage of stuff I am throwing out.  None of it is going to a thrift shop. And I am dam well going to pile the bags and boxes in the carport for Shane to have a truckload for a dump run.  And so help me if I get reported again I will buy a bucket of red paint and paint red penises all over the inside of that garage.  According to the bylaws if there is no adjacent house that can see it I can do what I want on the walls.  To see in my carport a person walking or driving would have to linger at the end of my long driveway to have a look.  Otherwise no one ever sees the carport.  I guess I should add this to that dang list.  Something to get over.

Thats it for today.  Monte is heading back to his office so I can get back at it.  I washed a big rubber maid and that will be my new linen closet.  Once it's full thats it.  If it don't fit?  Out it goes!!!

Have a great day and TFL & TTYL

'Are you a hoarder of more negative thoughts or positive ones? Whichever ones you hoard, grow into trees and then forests.' — John Assaraf

and that is exactly why I am doing that mental exercise..hp