I kind of figured that if I am not doing honourable things like other retirees are, I should start working on something at least. I decided that given the reading I have delved into lately, (very 60's throwback self help new age stuff..don't roll your eyes!) and the reading has been really awesome actually. I have been loving it.
But then there were mini questionnaires and through that medium it came to my attention that I am kind of morose. It might have something to do with being alone so much and having too much time think and let my feelings get a little bossy. So upon a good suggestion from one of my readings, it said to identify things that if I think about them, that thinking will leave a lasting negative feeling that colours subsequent hours. Hmmmmm.....that was hard, making that list.
So on a Monday, I made the decision that today was the start day. I got out the list that I had made up a couple of weeks before and looked at number one. Oh fer geez!!!! This one does enter my mind due to certain triggers (it's not like I purposely think of something to dwell sadly on) and I felt like skipping to number two. But that would undermine my end goal. So number one it would be. (this is when I really miss my shovel list!)
This time it wasn't a picture or comment that triggered it. It was my stupid list and stupid resolve to get over this dwelling thing. I had literally written, 'not one person sent flowers for Bill's funeral. Not one.'
I had no option but to believe that was because I suck or Bill did. And no way was I going to think it was because of Bill. I maybe wouldn't have noticed no flowers but when I started to get things together for the table at the front of the funeral, picture of him, native art and.....there were no flowers. None. I did say something to my awesome sister who immediately made an arrangement from some vases of flowers she already had. So we did have a lovely vase of flowers on his table. I feel bad every time I am reminded of this. Bill was a gardener and flower grower extraordinaire and it just seemed sad and wrong that not one person remembered that.
But now to deal with it once and for all and kick it out of my being for good. And the only way to do that is to understand it or take on the attitude Bill would have had. And Bill would not have given one tin hoot. In fact he rarely gave me flowers because he would rather see them growing than dying. And just like that I was jiggy with it. What Bill would have preferred so totally overrides what I thought was right. It would have pleased him that no flowers were dying on his behalf!!! And that is that!
Now for number two....I didn't even look. I will leave that for another Monday. Maybe I will start a diet at the same time. I am famous for my Monday diets that usually end by Wed.!!!
With Monte's permission I entered his room and tackled my closet in there. Oh my Ohm!!! Floor to ceiling bedding, mystery boxes, backpacks, books, curtains, throw blankets...about 20 old pillow cases...every one of them mean something to me.
I was relating a tiny bit to those hoarders that won't throw out what looks like garbage to someone else. By the time I was through, my living room is three feet high in piles and piles of stuff. I am beginning to see how a hoarder's hoard can spread out over acreage. How could half a closet, I still have half to go, completely cover the living room and it's a big living room.
I made a list of things I am selling and I have already got bags and bins of garbage of stuff I am throwing out. None of it is going to a thrift shop. And I am dam well going to pile the bags and boxes in the carport for Shane to have a truckload for a dump run. And so help me if I get reported again I will buy a bucket of red paint and paint red penises all over the inside of that garage. According to the bylaws if there is no adjacent house that can see it I can do what I want on the walls. To see in my carport a person walking or driving would have to linger at the end of my long driveway to have a look. Otherwise no one ever sees the carport. I guess I should add this to that dang list. Something to get over.
Thats it for today. Monte is heading back to his office so I can get back at it. I washed a big rubber maid and that will be my new linen closet. Once it's full thats it. If it don't fit? Out it goes!!!
Have a great day and TFL & TTYL
'Are you a hoarder of more negative thoughts or positive ones? Whichever ones you hoard, grow into trees and then forests.' — John Assaraf
and that is exactly why I am doing that mental exercise..hp
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