I'M NOT HAPPY RIGHT NOW

I usually am happy, but honestly, right now I just simply am not.  It seems a sad time right now.

Christmas is over.  New years is over.  Everyone is gone.  K&K are gone for a month.  Monte is in the hospital.  My hair sucks bad.  I am fat.  My house is a disaster.  Its f**king freezing out.  There is a cat that seems to be abandoned living in the snow on my deck.  I can't catch it.  I worry about it.  Spod is dead.  (okay, now I am sitting in a corner eating worms)

I hardly ever feel this way.  Its kind of a novelty.  I think it really boils down to my hair.  Bad hair days aren't cool and I am going to have bad hair days from now til eternity.  I miss my poof.

I asked my cousin Heather to cut it.  She did a stellar job but I want all, not just what she cut, but the stuff that has fallen out over the last year cuz of pills, of it back.

I don't think anyone understands what a momentous life changing moment it was to cut my hair.  I have had the same hairstyle, one I love cuz its easy and balances out the hump in my back, for about twenty five years.

So there I sat, on a chair, in the middle of the kitchen.  Heather, scissors in hand, stood behind me.  Facing me along the edge of the kitchen, sitting in comfy chairs, was Monte, Graeme and Anton.  They were busy talking and eating and listening to music as Heather cut my happy place off.  It had to happen but as I sat there fully aware of how this one act was going to affect my life drastically, they all just ate and talked and listened as though nothing huge and momentous had just happened right in front of them.  They will never know.

A couple of days later I was looking at facebook.  My sister had put a bunch of fun colourful pics of the new year's party on.  One of them caught me somewhat in the background, sitting in a chair.  It took my breath away.  It had to be the truly ugliest picture of me ever taken.  Fat double chin, straight thin flat hair, a shirt I hate so much I had already thrown it out.  I looked just like little Lottie.  And pictures don't lie.  I do believe I hit bottom at that moment.  Mind you I didn't have too far to fall, I was already on my way down.

I am going to quit this post right now.  It is just way too indulgently wound licking.  TTYL